Two people walked calmly along a street.
They were the first to become
victims of Creatures From
"How are you?" one asked.
"Jolly good, and yourself?" the other asked.
"Oh, just fine."
The flying saucer descended, casting a thin, white ray.
*BZZZZZT* The people were suddenly turned into Scotsmen.
Bagpipe music played as they
shuffled quickly over the
horizon towards Scotland. Hordes of others began to do the same.
"Neflyte!" Queen Beryl called.
Nephrite appeared. "Yes, Queen Beryl?"
"I have taken a look at this...
piece of crayon-scrawled
*thing* you call a plan-" Beryl said, indicating a piece of
paper she held.
"What?!" Nephrite asked in
shock. He grabbed the paper and
read it. His eyes narrowed. "Zoicite!"
"-and I have come to the conclusion that-" Beryl continued.
"NO! No! Wait, it wasn't
me! It was Zoicite!" Nephrite said,
waving his arms defensively. Zoicite appeared in a shower of
"Don't try to weasel out
of it, 'Neflyte.' That's your
plan. Ha ha ha ha!" Zoicite said, lifting her hand to her mouth
as she laughed. Nephrite clenched his fist.
"-it's wonderful! Good work,
Neflyte!" Queen Beryl said.
It was Zoicite's turn to be shocked. Nephrite smiled and
unclenched his fist.
"Thank you, Queen Beryl." Nephrite said, then teleported.
"It's a good plan, but don't
push it, Neflyte," Beryl said
"What?" Nephrite asked, having
only teleported across the
Beryl buried her head in
her hands and sighed. "Nothing.
Proceed with your plan to find the identities of the Sailor Scouts,"
she said, then perked up a little. "But it _is_ a good plan."
Nephrite smiled once more, then teleported away.
"But... but I wrote that plan!" Zoicite whined.
"Sure you did, Zoicite, sure
you did!" Beryl said, waving
"Never. I. WILL. *NEVER*
SUBMIT," Atomic Starlight Knight
said defiantly as he fought valiantly against the restraints. They
would not budge. His enemy was not impressed by his bravery,
however. It merely stood a distance off, taunting him with its
"o/Best friends, best friends!
You and me are best friends!/o"
The cute yellow bipedal triceratops sang as it merrily hopped
across the stage. Backup singers were available at every turn:
an Apatosaurus, a Pterodactyl, and a few others.
No foe so far had been this
fearsome. The psychological
torture was tearing him apart. "STOP!!! THIS CANNOT BE ALLOWED TO
CONTINUE!!" A.S.K. cried out. The main singer stopped, but the
background continued. "Tell me... What do you want?!"
The yellow dinosaur smiled and wheeled in a large mirror.
Atomic Starlight Knight gazed
in horror at the reflection
of a small, cute, orange-haired girl, whom he recognized as...
The Pretty Sailor-Suited Oneshot Senshi Sailor Stylin'!!!
The dinosaur giggled and tied a ribbon in A.S.K.'s hair.
A.S.K. gritted his teeth
and grimaced, looking up at his
enemy. "No... That's not true! That's impossible! I am not, and
will never choose to be... THAT!!!"
The triceratops chose that moment to speak...
were going crazy at the Jupiter
Base. The Atomic Starlight Knight awoke with a start, doing a
backflip out of bed, igniting a lightsaber, blindly slashing through
a table and digging a huge gouge into the wall.
"AAAAAAAHHHH!!! MAKE IT STOP!!"
the tall, green-armored knight
yelled, wild eyed, slicing his radio in two.
The alarms and music stopped.
A.S.K. slowed down as he
realized what was happening, or more
importantly: what was not. "Um, where did the frolicking dinosaurs
go?! Am I to be their play-thing in revenge for my destruction of
their precious moonberries!?"
He closed his eyes and concentrated.
"I must not listen to the
Cuteness... Cuteness is the mind killer... Cuteness is the adorable
little death that brings total annihilation. I will face my
Cuteness... It will pass over me and through me, and only *I* will
The green-armored knight
shook himself a notch higher towards a
conscious state. "Whoa, what happened?"
[You were dreaming again,]
the computer said. A.S.K. stopped
and squinted in the darkness, not seeing anything except the lights
of the replicator.
"Was I? Or is this another
trick?!" A.S.K. asked in a paranoid
stupor of thought. He then shook himself further out of the
nightmare. "Wait a sec... The replicator... I'm home! Auntie Em,
Uncle Whatshisname!" He thought for a while longer. "Oh yeah, the
alarms... Computer, what is it?"
[The inhabitants of Earth
are slowly being turned into
Scotsmen,] the computer said urgently.
"Whew!" A.S.K. said, relieved,
"I was afraid it was something
dangerous... like singing dinosaurs." A.S.K. shuddered as he recalled
the experience, then stopped as he thought the computer's last
statement over. "Wait... um, Computer, is this like the time you-"
[No, it's real this time,]
the computer said. A.S.K. stumbled
over to the replicator, gouging a hole into the wall since he hadn't
deactivated his light saber yet.
"Tea, Ol' Green. Freezing
cold," A.S.K. said to the replicator,
picking up his beverage and simultaneously digging a deeper hole in
the wall. "Okay, what's causing it?" He took a sip.
[A flying saucer filled with cake-based lifeforms.]
"You're (HACK) *absolutely*
sure your (COUGH) A.I. program
isn't malfunctioning again? I mean, 'cake-based' lifeforms?" A.S.K.
asked incredulously, trying to get the fluid out of his lungs, or
the magical equivalent thereof.
[All functions are performing
within specified parameters,]
the computer said cheerfully. A.S.K. sighed, lifting up his cup and
pouring the contents on his face.
"Oh, yeah, that's the stuff,"
the green-armored knight said,
his existence briefly going into a state of flux, then solidifying
as the effect wore off.
[Shouldn't something be done
about this?] The Computer asked.
A.S.K. shrugged, slicing across a control panel. Sparks flew all
over the place, but he was too far out of it to notice.
"Oh, alright. Make a call
to the Galaxy Police or something,"
A.S.K. said indifferently.
[You're certain you do not
wish to deal with it yourself?]
the computer asked, a little surprised.
"No. I need to finish repairs
to my *SKULL*!" A.S.K. said
emphatically, "Do you realize precisely how many concussions I
received in helping to stop that last draining attempt?!"
[Four hundred thirty three,]
the artificial intelligence said
A.S.K. winced, feeling every
one. "Given the fact that I only
have one head... okay, not counting Terra's... but since the link
isn't really up to snuff anyway, that doesn't count," he said, then
shook his head, and suddenly wished he hadn't. "Ow! Computer, let me
tell you about a time when I blew up a lot more, and I DIDN'T get my
head slammed around... quite so much. Like that fight with that one
space pirate... why can't more battles be more like that?!"
"En garde, touche'!" the
blue-haired space pirate said
playfully to the terrified guard, swinging her energy weapon inches
from his face.
"Wh-wha-what do you wa-want?!"
the guard asked as his weapon
was knocked from his grasp.
"Your treasure or your life,"
the pirate said with a playful
smile on her face. She wore a fake eyepatch, signifying that
this fight was purely for fun. Not that any of the locals knew,
"I don't have any-UMPH-treasure!"
the guard said as he
slumped against a wall. The pirate shrugged and knocked the
"Miya!" a small furry creature,
sitting on the pirate's
shoulder, said. The pirate stroked the fur of the creature and gave
it a carrot. The creature also wore a fake eyepatch.
"Good girl," the space pirate told the creature.
The recent attack had, once
again, taken the system by
surprise, only a few days after the Senshi had been totally
incapacitated in another battle. All inners and two of the outers
were in a coma, Sailor Pluto had disappeared, and Saturn's elder
Senshi had been killed in the battle to protect her homeworld,
leaving no protector capable of fighting off any major threats.
The new attack had also centered
on Saturn. Their shattered
forces were unable to withstand the onslaught. The attackers
consisted of only one ship and one pirate, but they were more than
sufficient to take out any remaining defenses.
"Um... Uh... BOOT TO THE
HEAD!" a girl cried out as she
lept feet first at the pirate.
The pirate easily dodged
and caught the girl's wrists as she
The space pirate held her
up and looked into her eyes, smiling.
"Your loot or you're dead," she said, lightly laughing at the girl's
"Terra! Get out of there!"
Nephrite called, moving into the
open, preparing to do whatever necessary to ensure Terra's safety.
He had been sent initially to escort Terra to Mars in order to
consult the Sacred Fire on what to do with her.
He had volunteered for the
job when the Moon had requested
assistance. One of the main things that needed doing was to tell
whether Terra was really who she said she was. Mars had been the
first option. However, Mars was being extremely paranoid in light
of the attack and refused to let them land.
The next option was a certain
mirror in the care of the outer
Senshi. It was a long haul, but it had to be done for the security
of the solar system. Nephrite didn't really mind the trip; Terra
was actually quite a pleasant person to guard. She didn't even need
to be shackled (30% of the population thought that she was
responsible for the entire problem and wanted her taken out in the
street and executed, so restraints were an option that was heavily
Nephrite's search for the
mirror had brought them to Saturn.
Soon after their arrival, however, an attack had begun. Anyone with
combat capabilities strong enough to make a difference were asked
to aid in the defense.
Nephrite had instructed Terra
to find shelter while he tried
to help fight, but she had simply shook her head and ran (at a
phenomenal rate) toward the new attacker. Given how well behaved
Terra had previously been, he hadn't anticipated her to do that.
He had anticipated her to do more of a-
["GET ON WITH IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" The readers collectively shout.]
AHEM! Before I was so rudely interrupted-
["GET. ON. WITH. IT!!!!!!!!" Lightning flash.]
-I was going to say that
he had anticipated her to do more
["GET ON WITH IT!!!!!!!!" Purple glow.]
-dance, maybe even follow his instructions, or-
["GET-ON-WITH-IT!!!!!!!!" Clang of a warhammer.]
Er, yes. Well, the next bit is a lovely scene-
[Sounds of violence as the narrator is replaced.
"The writer of the credits has been sacked..."
"The new writer has been sacked too..."
"The ones who are responsible for sacking the
latest writer have been sacked."]
"I call upon the powers of
the stars," Nephrite began
quickly, "Sagittarius the teapot, come forth!"
A large teapot appeared,
dumping its molten, sticking contents
on the pirate. The furry creature on her shoulder deftly hopped out
of the way of the stream.
"OwOwOwOw!" the pirate said,
jumping out of the deluge of hot
"Hurts, don't it?" Terra
said gleefully, the stream having
"I think you're enjoying
this a *little* too much, Terra!"
Nephrite said, trying to move in to retrieve her.
"What is this stuff?!" the
pirate asked in agony, shaking as
she tried to remove the molten material, eventually building up
enough momentum to shot put Terra a few miles away as she lost her
"TERRA!" Nephrite called
in shock, beginning to attempt a
teleport to prevent her eventual slam to the ground. He teleported
successfully, but the rescue attempt was over when he was slashed
from behind by the pirate, who had followed him via her own teleport.
(Good thing his subconscious had gone to red alert and activated an
"Not so fast, kettle boy!"
the pirate said, having resolved
that little problem with the molten material.
"I call upon the power of
the(WHAM!)-" Nephrite began until
stopped when the pirate's fist penetrated his energy shield and
dealt a nasty blow that would have been quite disfiguring to your
"My face!" Nephrite moaned, in horrible pain.
"My hand!" the pirate moaned, also in horrible pain.
What can I say? The guardians had thick heads.
Terra broke through five
feet of crumbling stone, landing
relatively softly on a conveniently placed granite slab.
<OUUUAAAARRGG! THAT WAS...
THAT was... that was actually
quite enjoyable. It's been what? Five days since I got in any good
destruction?> Terra thought, getting up and dusting herself off.
<More or less. Alright, status report,> Terra thought back.
<Oh, I'm fine.>
<Good. Where am I and
what's going on?!> the former galactic
destroyer asked herself, looking around.
<Well, I appear to be
in an armory of some sort... there's
magic all over the place, and Nephrite's having an interesting
time with the pirate.>
<Aw, why should he have all the fun?>
<Because I have almost
zilch when it comes to energy. I used
most of it up tossing that last blast back on the Moon... did you
see how ineffective that so called 'Boot to the Head' was?>
<Hey, I just invented
it! I had to do *something*. Is there
anything I *can* do?>
<Nothing at all?>
<Well, probably... These
weapons in here are pretty high on
the energy count, but it would take quite a powerful source to
stop the thing out there... What is it exactly?>
<It's... it's an aspiring planet destroyer!>
"That's so cute!" Terra whispered
to herself, remembering the
first few worlds she blew up, nine billion years ago.
thought to herself, much to her
<Quiet!> Terra stopped
the inner conflict and began looking
around for a suitable weapon. Most of the more powerful ones had
some pretty tough defensive magic designed to block their power
from being activated by unauthorized users.
Fortunately, Terra retained
her energy manipulation abilities
from her past existence as what you could call an ARMAGEDDON-OUTTA-
HERE class monster. She could duplicate nearly any energy type used
in her presence, and could modify most types to suit her needs if
she had enough reserve energy to do it.
Locking magic usually didn't
involve tremendous quantities of
energy to get through; only the proper type, so she could certainly
crack a few security spells.
<Wait... THAT'S IT!> she
thought, picking up a weapon with
an interesting design. It was essentially a very long, thin staff
with an oddly shaped blade on the tip. It radiated huge quantities
of destructive energy.
<Perfect,> she thought with an evil grin.
Nephrite finally managed to
finish, tossing an energy blast the pirate's direction, who
The brown-haired guardian
teleported a few feet away, barely
missing another strike from the pirate. The fight so far had been
rather tedious: The pirate would try a slash or blast and Nephrite
would teleport out of the way. Nephrite would call upon his powers
to blast the pirate or send a constellation after her, and she
would teleport out of the way, or dissipate the constellation.
"Might as well try a pile
of metal *bars*!" the pirate said
in response to Nephrite's next blast. She slashed a support beam
from a nearby building, destabalizing a structure, causing it to
collapse on him.
"That was fun," the pirate
said, looking around. "Anyone
*KERBLAMMO!* She was hit
with a large blast of concentrated
energy, sending her spiraling off, crashing hard into the ground.
A triumphant battle cry went
up as Terra surged forward,
floating a few inches off the ground and glowing with the energy
she was channeling from the weapon.
"That was pretty good," the
pirate said, standing, wiping
a thin trail of blood from her cheek, "who are you?"
<Say something impressive!>
Terra thought. She agreed that
it was probably a good idea. The first strike had been made. It
was speech time.
"I am Terra, your worst nightmare-" the small redhead began.
The pirate clearly wasn't impressed.
"-I am the champion of destruction-"
Terra continued darkly
(a difficult task to do effectively when speaking in a nine-year-old
girl's voice without sounding cute to one degree or another.).
The pirate looked bored.
Terra knew she had to get this
speech done quickly, or face the possibility of not getting her
point across. It simply wouldn't be proper in a battle to save
"-and the BOOT TO THE HEAD
THAT'S GOING TO KICK YOU ALL
THE WAY BACK OUT OF THIS SOLAR SYSTEM!!" Terra yelled, then
decided the speech needed something more. "I am Death Incarnate,
and the last thing you are ever going to see. Bob sent me."
The pirate smirked.
"What? Was that a little
over the top?" Terra asked, worried.
"This is my first real person-to-person combat... Anything I need
The light-blue haired pirate
smiled. "How about... if you want
to win," she, then thought for a few seconds, "rhyme to
<That's an odd battle
tactic,> Terra thought, <but it's no
time to argue semantics now, I guess.>
The pirate charged forward
with the sentence: "Every enemy
I met I've annihilated!"
Terra met the charge with:
"From your breath, I'm sure they
The cyan-haired pirate winced at the insult.
Terra took advantage of the
pirate's minor distraction,
swinging with her weapon, which was barely parried by the pirate's
energy sword. Power swirled in ribbons around Terra, creating a
strong energy field. The pirate raised an eyebrow, but was not
"I'll skewer you like a sow
at a buffet!" Terra yelled, going
on the offensive.
"When I'm through with *you*,
you'll be a boneless fillet!"
the pirate retorted, getting in a good strike, weakening Terra's
energy field. "You're the ugliest monster ever created!"
"If you don't count all the
ones you've dated!" Terra
retorted as she built up a massive amount of energy from her weapon.
The pirate ducked as the
ribbons shot out from Terra in a very
large stream of destructive energy, obliterating the unfortunate
moon that just happened to be behind her. The pirate's jaw dropped a
little as she saw this.
"Killing you would be justifiable
homicide!" Terra said
maniacally, a fanatical grin on her face. The pirate glanced at
the broken chunks of the destroyed moon in the sky and turned back
The pirate shook herself
out of the temporary daze and
continued the fight. "Then killing you must be justifiable
*fungicide!*" she replied, slashing at Terra, breaking her energy
Losing her grin, Terra dodged
a swipe and blocked with the
staff part of her weapon.
"I'll hound you night and day!" the pirate continued.
"Then be a good dog," Terra
said, slashing back and gathering
more energy ribbons for another blast, "sit, STAY!"
*BLAM!!!* It was not nearly
as powerful as the last blast, but
the pirate was unable to dodge or teleport in time and sustained a
"That *hurt*!" the pirate said, getting back up.
"Your cooking probably always
ends up *burnt!*" Terra
replied, slashing towards the pirate. The pirate tried, but was
unable to reactivate her energy sword.
"Alright, you win!" the pirate
said defensively, jumping
out of the path of Terra's weapon.
"It'll take years of exercise
for you to get thin!" Terra
growled, in a fighting frenzy.
The pirate made an attempt,
but was unable to teleport due to
her injuries. She took off her fake eyepatch. "This ain't funny
"One look at you and your
next boyfriend'll hurl!" Terra said,
dark red ribbons building up around her.
The pirate gritted her teeth,
and glanced around in search of
her cabbit. Seeing her, she desperately called for help. "Ryo-oh-ki!"
The small, furry creature
nodded, meowing, then jumped into
the air and bulked up into a large, crystalline starship-
brought to bear some really nice
firepower on Terra. All of it was absorbed against the ribbons.
The pirate climbed aboard her ship and left at maximum velocity.
"Come back! I'm not through
with you yet! AUGH! YA MOTHER
WAS A MAD SCIENTIST AND YOUR FATHER SMELT OF ELDERBERRIES!!!"
Terra yelled, waving her weapon in the air madly.
She then felt a presence behind her.
Terra stopped, turned and
saw that it was Nephrite. The ribbons
around the redheaded girl dissipated and she stopped floating in the
air, landing softly.
"Terra, you're alive! What
happened?" Nephrite asked,
watching the ship depart, then turned back towards Terra.
"And what are you doing with the Silence Glaive?!"
Terra looked at the Glaive,
then back up to Nephrite, then
attempted halfheartedly to conceal it behind her back, not that
she could, though. "I, um, uh," Terra began, not being able to
find an explanation good enough, but was able to find a phrase
to suit her new predicament. "Oh my."
"A few 'cute' acts and a
short investigation later, I was
given a commendation for saving the planet. Had to keep that one
classified since Saturn's government didn't want it getting out
that someone besides their Senshi could use the Glaive. It also
turns out that the moon I destroyed was uninhabited, AND was
causing massive seismic activity on the population centers. You
just couldn't blow things up back then without some positive
result! That was a great time. Soon after that, Queen Serenity
found out about it and that other threat that I got rid of on the
way back, and that I had no existing parents, so she decided to
adopt me! Oh, sure, about a tenth of the population still thought
I was guilty of mass destruction and death--and I was, make no
mistake--but I guess Mom always was for bold political statements,
so there I was-" the Atomic Starlight Knight said until being cut
off by the computer.
"What is it?" A.S.K. asked, a bit annoyed at being cut off.
[You're babbling again,] the computer said.
"Was I? Oh, well, the point
that I was first trying to make
is that four hundred concussions isn't an easy thing to get... or
get *over*, so I really do need to recover, got it?" the mentally
projected knight said, letting his arms hang, allowing the light
saber to cut into the floor.
[Confirmed. But there are some other things you need to know.]
"Like what?" A.S.K. asked
drowsily, walking back to his bed,
lengthening the gash in the floor.
[Chances are seventy five
percent in favor of another
Negaverse attack within the next twenty-four hours. I recommend
search and destroy.]
"Yeah, normally me too, but...
Aw, they can handle it!"
A.S.K. said, returning to a comfortable position on his bed, armor
scraping against the bedpost and light saber cutting a hole in the
floor. "Anything I *REALLY* need to know?"
[Severe damage is detected in your quarters.]
A.S.K. instantly bolted upright.
"How did that happen?! Did
we have another intruder?!
Are those acid-bleeding aliens back?!" A.S.K. asked, alarmed,
waving his arms wildly, demolishing his nightstand.
"Then what caused the damage?!"
[Upon the last occurence,
I was instructed to relay the
following message should this event occur:] the Computer said,
then replayed A.S.K.'s voice, "Not another hull breach!! Now
I remember why I never used these!"
"What does that have to do
with anything?!" A.S.K. asked,
then realized something. "Computer, lights."
The lights came on.
The Atomic Starlight Knight
saw the massive damage to the room.
"What could have caused..." He trailed off as he saw what he held.
"Oops, eh heh... Sorry, Computer. Maybe you're working right after
[It should never have been
a question. The 9000 series
has a perfect professional record,] the computer said.
A.S.K. thought about that
last statement; he was sure he had
heard something like that from somewhere else. He quickly shrugged,
dismissing that as he snuggled up against his really comfy pillow.
"Okay, what else, in your
'professional' opinion do I need
to know?" A.S.K. asked, lying back down.
[It is of the utmost importance
that you see a brain
specialist and recieve immediate psychiatric assistance.]
A.S.K. rolled his eyes. "Yeah,
shyadupp. Anything besides
*that*?" he snapped, annoyed.
[Tuxedo Mask has invited
the entire female junior high
population on a date.]
A.S.K. blinked. He sat up.
He raised an eyebrow. He coughed.
His eyes bugged out as he processed this new information. "What
the... but... but that's... THAT'S INSANE!!!" he said, getting up,
his massive cerebral trauma forgotten.
[A reminder: You do not have the monopoly on insanity.]
"We'll see about that."
Serena's mom had asked her to go and check the mail.
"Let's see... bill, bill,
invitation to a romantic evening,
bill..." Serena said to herself, trailing off when she checked that
last item again.
"Invitation to a romantic
evening?! It's for me!" Serena
said, checking who it was addressed to. She double checked who it
"Oh, it's from Tuxedo Mask,"
the blonde girl said, somewhat
disappointed. She glanced at her watch. "EEK! I'm going to be late!"
"May the holder of this become
a servant of... oh, I don't
know... beans and frankfurters er... Slartibartfast-NO! Umm..
May the holder of this... do something, okay?!" Atomic Starlight
Knight intoned, activating a variation on Nephrite's possession
technique. A symbol glowed on the card. It looked like a caricature
of a stuffed teddy bear.
It was all part of a great
plan to give Tux-Boy a lesson;
one he would never forget. There had been some arguments as to
exactly how to deal with this situation, none of which had been
resolved due to the extreme lack of head banging, musical or
<I just can't think today, can I?> A.S.K. thought.
<Yes. I can't... Er, no, I can... Er, um, uh... ARGHHH!>
<Oh, go see a brain specialist or something.>
<Never! I will NEVER submit
to some highly trained
neurologist prodding my not-so simplistic mind!>
<Either you go, or I do.>
<No. None of the above. Nine. Negatory, good buddy.>
<Fine, then. You go, or
I begin studying Anything Goes
Martial Arts Self Head Bashing.>
<Ha! You could never do that! You're too much of a wimp!>
<Yeah, well, um, I'M YOU!>
<Ouch, that hurt. Fine,
then I'm a so... not-strong former
scourge of the universe that couldn't destroy a planet if his
existence depended on it!!>
<You take that back!>
<No. Not to mention that
I'm a pansy. A big, little, stupid
<Grrr... Either you go *now*, or... MENTAL BOOT TO THE HEA->
"Shut up! Shut up! Everyone
just SHUT UP!!!" A.S.K. yelled,
beginning to raise his hand to bang his head, then stopped, not
really wishing to cause any more fractures in his skull. This
conflict had to end somehow, though. <Oh, alright. Fine, I'll
go... But ONLY because you asked nicely.>
Atomic Starlight Knight teleported to the nearest hospital.
Molly exited the house and
checked the mail. She perked up
at the message from one 'Tuxedo Mask.' She didn't even notice the
slight aura that was beginning to surround her.
Ah, yes, it was a lovely
morning to take a stroll down the
street to school. The sun was shining, there were just the right
amount of clouds, the right type of birds chirping, and everything
was, well, lovely.
That is, until a red-headed
girl in a school uniform with a
similarly dressed blonde trailing behind her ran by, tearing up the
Terra was in a hurry. She
saw Serena running to school, so
she had decided to be nice and help her get there. She also had
to get to exactly the same classroom, so why not?
"Wheeee!" Serena said, enjoying the ride.
<Well, look at that...
I guess that means kilts are back in
style,> Terra thought, hopping over a few crowds. <The bagpipe
music isn't all that bad, either... But I can worry about that later.
I need to get to school!>
Terra had analyzed the problem,
checked her time against the
school's time, and determined that she was still a mile away and
only had two seconds to make it to class.
And she had her heart set on being on time.
*BOOOM!* The reinforced,
triple-layer plexiglass shuddered
from the noise. Given the recent increase in property damage,
insurance companies had gladly replaced the windows with stronger
"What was that?!" an ordinary,
random, run of the mill
"Sonic boom," Amy, Melvin, and Ms. Haruna said together.
"Oh," the ordinary, random,
run of the mill student that was
wearing a red original Starfleet uniform replied calmly as he
was thrown into the wall from the sudden gust of wind. The bell
rang, signaling the beginning of class.
"And the only ones absent
are Terra and- Oh, there you are,"
Ms. Haruna said. "Now, 'Lieutenant,' could you please peel
yourself off the wall?"
"Yes, sir... ma'am... sir,
whatever," the cannon-fodder red
shirt extra said. This one had been inadvertently sent back
through some wormhole or something and had a critical temporal
mission to accomplish before he went home. Odds fifty to one he
gets blasted before the end of the episode.
"Just call me 'Captain,'
if it's that big of a problem,"
the teacher said, rolling her eyes. This person had popped out of
the blue, claiming to be in her class, and insisted on keeping
an impossibly military attitude, and never turned in a single
assignment without writing 'Security Officer's Log,' at the
beginning of it, but she didn't want to have to worry about that
now. She had more annoying fish to fry. "Now, as you know, all of
the girls have been invited to a 'romantic evening.'"
All of the girls were surprised
that they weren't the only
one invited. Serena and Amy looked at each other inquisitively.
Molly was still too busy thinking about her invitation to notice.
Terra just smiled. ^_^
"I've been asked to come
along as a chaperone," Ms. Haruna
said in a supporting tone, then mumbled, "Yeah, like I want to
spend my evening babysitting a bunch of teenagers."
Disguises, disguises... Making
one's self look different
than normal is an invaluable tool, especially for former mega-
galactic destroyer types... But we've already covered that to
a certain degree in another chapter.
Anyway, disguises are also
useful for people working on
a slightly smaller scale. Take... oh, say... Nephrite, for
example. He, as a powerful youma general, could cast something
that could alter his physical appearance; you know, eye color,
hair color, face, that sort of thing. I was going to call that
a 'glamour,' but then I remembered: This is an NA continuity.
I do not believe that a 'glamour' was mentioned even once...
So I've decided to break past that little inhibition and call
it a 'glamour' anyway! So there. Happy now?
Where was I? Oh yeah... disguises.
yadda, yadda, yadda... But it lacks the charm of going out and
modifying your DNA for simple cosmetic things. Oh well, as they
say: There are certain rules you have to follow: You don't chew
with your mouth open, you don't open an *airlock* when someone's
in it, AND YOU DON'T CHANGE YOUR DNA!
But, yeah, like that's going
to stop Nephrite from going
and renting a *tuxedo* as part of the 'wonderful' plan. Not that
it has anything to do with DNA, mind you, but it does make an
interesting conversation topic.
"Would you like the cape,
top hat, and extending cane
additions? Or the trenchcoat, fedora, and magic umbrella?"
the salesman asked.
"I don't know... It's a rough
browsing through the various tuxedo designs.
"You don't have to decide
now. You also get a free rose
holster with every purchase," the salesman said.
"Hmm... Any other options?" Nephrite asked.
"Let's see... roses come
in three different styles: red,
yellow, or the new mood roses!"
"Yeah, the roses are black
when you're evil, red when
you're protecting someone out of love, white if you're
fighting out of duty, or purple if you're fighting for the
sheer unadulterated heck of it!" the salesman said excitedly.
"Well... I'd better go with
the top hat and cape with red
roses," Nephrite said, then looked around nervously, "and can I
get a white mask with that? I'm trying to look like a mysterious
The salesman shrugged. "Sure."
It was at this time that
Nephrite did something unheard
of among youma: He *paid* for his purchases and just walked out.
No draining attempt, no long, drawn out speech about how he'd
get the ones who had stopped his plan... not even a teleportation;
he had simply walked out.
The salesman sighed. He remembered
his own life with the
Moon Kingdom and had recognized Nephrite. The salesman had a
full recollection of his past life. However, he wanted no part
in the battles that were sure to follow, so he just did his
job. That's what he's always done...
"Here, sir, we have cursed
training ground of-" The Guide
began, then stopped as the man in green armor walked right passed
"'Scuse me, research trip!"
the man said, staring deeply
into a brochure, trying desperately to decipher the words, not
noticing the numerous pools of water he kept nearly falling
The Guide was worried at
first, then calmed down when he
saw that the man wasn't going to fall in, at least until he
noticed that the man was headed straight toward a certain pool
he knew all too well.
"SIR!!!!!! VERY BAD IF YOU
FALL INTO SPRING!!!" The
Guide shouted, trying to get the attention of the man... but it
was too late.
*SPLASH* "AAAAH!" he yelled,
his voice becoming more of
a scream as his voice went up a few octaves and his body shrank.
The Guide shook his head
and sighed. "You fall into Spring
of Drowned Super-Deformed character. Very tragic story of annoying
little person I drown here last week." He said that last sentence
with more than a little malice.
forced his way out of the pool and
The Guide started to pull
out a kettle of hot water he
always had for the visitors who wouldn't listen. That was when
he saw the SD-character seemingly force himself back to
normal. It was rather unusual for tourists to change back
without hot water.
"Sir?! How-" The Guide began, surprised.
"Energy manipulation. Lots
and LOTS of energy manipulation,"
the green-armored guy said, then blinked several times, adjusted
his neck, then wrinkled his nose and sniffed as he suppressed the
transformation. "Whoa, these curses really clear up your sinuses!"
Yes, the salesman always
tried to do his job, but there were
always surprises: The guy who could resist a curse, that odd
temporary Nyannichuan rainstorm... and there was also Nephrite
dropping in for a tuxedo. Perhaps there was something he should
do about it. Yes, he could bring back some of the ancient weapons
to combat the Negaverse. He could train his friends, he could
conduct covert operations, he could... he could...
The salesman sighed and shook his head.
"Naaah," he said, then returned to his work.
A.S.K.'s computer worked
on sending a message to the Galaxy
Police... or something, just as instructed. The computer tied into
a subspace network, looking for someone to contact. It eventually
hacked into a computer network that seemed to be part of something
that was... at least similar to law enforcement.
The computer shrugged cybernetically.
[Well, he did say
The computer also made sure
to ask for someone with a good
destruction record. [He likes explosions,] the computer computed,
aiming to please, completely unaware of the computer virus it was
inadvertently sending along.
"Why did that *jerk* have
to park his ship the way he did?!"
the buxom redhead asked rhetorically.
"There was a perfectly clear
parking zone on the other side,
Kei," her companion said.
"Are you nuts, Yuri?! Did
you want to walk around the whole
"Still, you didn't have to land on a Valkyrie," Yuri said.
An intercom crackled. [Will
da (hic) Lovery Angelesh (hic)
plaeshe rapourte ta (hic) reshieve new ordersh,] a drunken-sounding
computer voice said. The Lovely Angels looked at each other,
shrugged, then left the high-tech parking lot.
"WHAT KIND OF ORDERS ARE THESE?!" Kei asked incredulously.
"It seems fairly clear to
me, Kei," Yuri said, "We go out
to the spiral arm, find the planet, and destroy the cause of the
Kei stared at her. "Yuri,
we've just been asked to go and
blow up a spacecraft filled with cake-based lifeforms that are
turning people into Scotsmen! Doesn't this strike you as the least
Yuri thought about it. "Come
to think of it, lately, the
Central Computer _has_ been acting a bit stranger than usual..."
"A bit?! The file on the
one who requested the visit was
more than a 'bit' strange," Kei said.
"A figment of the imagination
of a reincarnation of an
adopted princess of a magical kingdom... yes, it was rather odd,"
Kei fumed. "You didn't read
the attached file, did you?!"
she said, her voice dripping with annoyance, "It also said that he,
yes, Yuri, *he*, was also a nine billion year-old destroyer of
galaxies, an admiral of a small fleet, had defeated a space pirate,
made a saya-jin go into diabetic shock, managed to block out temporal
scanning, rewritten reality, destroyed several major timelines,
loved to blow things up and was about to undergo major *brain
"Are you suggesting that
the CC has finally lost it?" Yuri
asked. Kei nodded. Yuri was about to speak, but was interrupted
by an angry, primal yell.
"Zen?" Yuri asked.
"IT. ERASED. ZEN'S. WORK,"
Zen said, walking in, currently
in his male form, impossibly angry, grabbing a conveniently placed
corner of wall, tearing it off and whacking the floor as hard as
he could with it. Even Kei was shocked.
"Um, Zen?" Kei began, "Wh... what's wrong?"
Zen turned to Kei, fire in
his eyes, "It... DELETED Zen's
work on the next part of Long and Winding Road. Zen was about
to send it in when that..." Zen paused to take a deep breath and
to calculate the proper adjectives, "&$(&#@$(*^@*#$^*@#$^*#@^$#-"
Kei and Yuri winced. This went on for quite a while.
erased it!!" Zen grabbed Kei by her
shoulders and looked into her eyes. "Now they will *never* leave
"Um, Zen, we have a mission!"
Yuri said, hoping that she
would be able to distract Zen from whatever violence he had
intended. "We, um, have to complete it before we can talk to the
CC again, yeah that's it!"
Zen seemed to calm down.
His eyes, however, still showed that
he was merely suppressing it. "Yes, Zen will complete this mission...
then Zen will take a very large axe to the CC's main database and
give it a reprogramming that it will *NEVER* forget," he said in a
carefully controlled tone.
Kei and Yuri looked at each other nervously.
"So, Raye, are you going
to that thing tonight?" Serena
asked over the phone.
"Raye?" Serena asked again.
"Oh, sorry," Raye said. "I've
got this cold, so, no, I'm
"That's too bad," Serena
said, "by the way, what do you
think Tuxedo Mask is doing?"
"I (COUGH) don't know...
Opening a salon?" Raye guessed.
"Besides, why are you going? I thought you'd pretty much latched
on to that Starlight-psychopath guy."
"Starlight Knight is NOT
a psychopath!" Serena said
defensively, argument course training kicking in.
Raye coughed. "Look, Serena,
any other time, I'd like
nothing more than to sit and argue about this-"
"No you wouldn't," Serena said, remembering her training.
Raye sighed. "You were serious
about those argument courses,
"No, I-Oh, yes, I was," Serena
said, using a new argument
suspension technique she had learned at her last session, "What
were we talking about again?"
"I think I asked you about why you were going," Raye said.
"Oh, that. I'm going with
Terra. She REALLY wants to know
what's going on. She kept mumbling about a weird glow around
Molly. I didn't see anything, but-"
"Weird glow? She saw a visible
aura?" Raye asked, concerned,
"Maybe I should come and check it out." This was followed by
a sneeze, and then a groan. "On second thought, I'd better rest. If
anything happens, just contact me. Okay? Bye."
"Bye," Serena said.
---~Meanwhile... Oh, about a thousand years into the future.~
"Why did you call us here,
Sailor Pluto?" Sailor Uranus
asked. "You are going to tell us, aren't you?"
Sailors Neptune, Saturn,
and Uranus [Just pronounce it
Yer-Uh-Nus, okay?! The joke's getting old!] had been called to a
meeting. All that they had been told was that it was of the utmost
"There is a serious matter
that needs attention in the
past," Sailor Pluto said mysteriously.
Ay, so what else was new?
"*What* needs to be done?"
Uranus asked. Pluto looked at
them and smiled.
"When I have sent you back,
you are to do the wildest,
totally crazy, most insanely inappropriate thing you can think of
to do in the past," Pluto said. The other Senshi stared.
"Really?" Sailor Saturn asked.
"Yes. Anything, of course,
that does not involve destroying
the planet," Pluto said. Saturn looked a little dejected.
"You're quite certain?" Neptune
asked, still trying to
grasp the concept of Pluto, of all people, telling them to go and
do something that would, in all probability, ruin the timeline.
"I am," Sailor Pluto said.
"However, there is something you
need to review before you leave."
"What?" Uranus asked. Pluto handed her a video tape.
"What is it?" Neptune asked.
"Something to prepare your
mind for the task ahead," Sailor
Pluto said, "I will send for you when you have finished." She moved
to the exit.
"Well, what is it?" Saturn asked.
"Monty Python... What the?"
Uranus said, reading the title,
wondering what acrobatic circus performances had to do with the
As she left, Sailor Pluto
shook her head. So many things to
worry about, and so few ways to do them correctly. Make sure that
Sailor Moon ends up becoming Serenity and creates Crystal Tokyo,
stop time travelers from messing it up, keep the ones that help
alive, figure out which is which. And on top of it all, she had
to keep Atomic Starlight Knight on just the right track, or risk
him destroying the timeline... again.
Then there was that engagement
problem he had so kindly
dropped on her. Some things just seemed to have improbability
nexuses around them. This was one of them. There was no certain way
to get out of it completely. [Many fanfic authors have tried, many
more have failed. It is impossible to do without changing or
re-interpreting at least one of the characters in some fundamental
way.] She was about to nullify the engagement when she discovered
an ancient agreement that required her to marry him. This was no
coincidence: The timeline had modified itself to keep her engaged.
There was no way out, even for her. There were, however, ways to
lessen the impact on the timeline. They seemed odd, but they were
in fact quite effective.
"Sailor Pluto?" Saturn asked.
Pluto paused and turned around,
awaiting the inevitable question. "Who's that pigtailed kid you
keep sending to Crystal Tokyo from the past?"
"A friend. That is all,"
Pluto said simply, hoping that they
wouldn't ask any more, but knowing that they would.
"Are you sure that's all?"
Saturn pressed. Pluto knew that
there was only one way to finish this conversation.
"He's my fiancee, okay?" Pluto finished, then vanished.
"Fiancee?" Neptune asked quizzically.
"He?" Saturn asked, equally puzzled.
"We can discuss this later,
but for now, let's get to work,"
"What's on the tape?" Neptune asked. Uranus sighed.
"I don't know. It looks like something on acrobatics, though."
---~And now for something completely different.~ (-1000 years...)
"It's..." Luna said, trying
to grasp the meaning of what
went on in front of her.
The music began and the mushrooms
started to do back flips
and jump around on swings.
"ArbyFish's Flyin' Mushroom
Circus!" Arby said proudly,
showing off the mushrooms he had genetically engineered with
only a sample of fungus, a jar full of toothpicks, and a Heavy,
Blunt Object(TM). Quite an accomplishment.
"It's amazing, Arby, but...
why?" Luna asked. Arby thought
about it and only ended up looking confused. He finally just
"Oh, I dunno. Gotta have
flyin' circus mushrooms, ya know.
They got Mexican Jumpin' Beans, so 't simply wouldn't be proper
otherwise," Arby said in his usual odd accent. Luna sighed and
was about to say something when she heard someone calling.
"Luna? Luuuuna, where are you?" Serena's voice called.
"Come on," Luna told Arby.
"Oh, there you are," Serena
said, seeing Luna and Arby
climb out of a small hole in the ground. "What were you doing
"It's me secret, underground
mushroom patch. Gotta breed me
evil army of undead mushrooms ta take ova' the pizza industry,"
Arby said. Luna looked at Arby strangely, then finally shook her
head and groaned.
"What?!" Serena asked, standing back up.
"He was actually training them to do acrobatics," Luna said.
"That... doesn't make any more sense," Serena said.
"Try telling _him_ that,"
Luna said, pointing to Arby, who was
trying to stand up straight on his tail.
"Must... achieve... pinnacle...
of... balance..." Arby said
while concentrating, swaying back and forth.
"Um, just ignore him. What
were you calling me about?" Luna
"Well, Terra and I had this plan," Serena began.
"Welcome, Mister Knight,"
the receptionist said, looking
through a few papers on her desk. "Your appointment is... now."
"Excellent," Atomic Starlight
Knight said, beginning to
walk to the doors. The receptionist halted him.
"But before you go in, you
really need to know something
about the doctors here."
"What about them?" A.S.K. asked.
The receptionist looked around
nervously, then leaned in close
to whisper to him. "The doctors here are the best in their fields,
true professionals, but they all have... minor quirks; nothing major
as long as you avoid them, but strange quirks nonetheless."
"Your point being?"
"Well, the doctor you will
be seeing has a... slight problem
with 'cute' things."
"Oh, cute things. I know
how that goes! Truly devastating
weapons," A.S.K. said, lapsing into a memory.
A surprise attack, as most
attacks have tended to be within
the past few days, occurred. They were getting downright annoying.
This one consisted of three small, spherical ships, which were
traveling at tremendous accelerations. They landed rather loudly
in the center of the charred and blackened remains of the Moon
Kingdom's former capital.
Out of each stepped one person.
The apparent leader looked
like your basic human, whose only really distinguishing feature would
be his big, puffed-up hair style. The other two were humanoid, but
did not have that much else in common with the leader, except maybe
the armor: yellow ribbed areas with smooth, blue plate. At least I
think it was that... it might have been something completely
["GET ON WITH IT!!!!!!"]
"Interesting place," the
leader said. "No Dragonballs, but it
will make a fine base of operations. That is, once the pest problem
has been eliminated."
"Well, there's our last stop
on the way," the captain said,
indicating the view from the observation deck, "the Moon."
"After all this, it will be good to get home," Nephrite said.
"Since we're almost back,"
the captain said, "would you mind
telling me why the only remaining ship in the fleet was sent to
take you and that girl to Saturn?"
"Sorry, I can't. It's classified," Nephrite said helplessly.
The captain sighed. "Then
could you tell me what happened with
that pirate? When the ship came in, we were barely able to get out
of dock before it landed, then before we were able to do anything,
it disappeared! When it finally popped up again, we couldn't even
match its speed when we were ordered to pursue. If I didn't know
any better, I'd have said that ship looked terrified!"
"I think it was," Nephrite said.
"Was what?" the captain asked.
"Terrified," Nephrite replied.
The captain blinked. "Eh, could you possibly... clarify that?"
"Well, you see her?" Nephrite
whispered, pointing to the girl
who was gazing at the approaching lunar surface. "Her name is Terra."
"What does... Oh, I see...
Terra-fied. Heh. Funny. But really,
"Apparently, she scared the pirate off."
"Well, I tried fighting the
pirate, but... Well, that's not
important. The point is that when it was over, Terra was standing
in a dark red glow, waving around the Silence Glaive at the
"The Silence Glaive?! I thought
only Saturn's Senshi could
use that!" The captain blurted out, a little too loudly. Nephrite
made motions for him to keep quiet. Terra pointedly ignored them,
focusing on the Moon. Other stray crew members took no notice.
"Shh! I know that, but-"
[Captain to the bridge,] the intercom crackled.
The captain sighed. "You
can tell me later," the captain said,
then rushed off. Nephrite nodded, then walked over to Terra.
"Look at that," Terra said, pointing towards the Moon.
"I see. A third of the planet
in ruins," Nephrite said,
looking grim, "so many battles in so little time. When will it
"I... wasn't talking about
that," Terra said, looking
confused. "See those lights?" Terra pointed to a place in the
destroyed section of the planet. Large spheres and beams of
energy were appearing randomly, creating large craters and
potmarks on the lunar surface.
"Yes, I see them," Nephrite
said. His eyes widened. "No...
not another battle so soon!"
"What is it?" the captain asked, entering the bridge area.
"We're receiving a distress
signal from the Moon," an
officer said, looking up from his display.
"Let's hear it," the captain
said. A crackling, slightly
garbled message began.
base. #$^#&$*%*(&%, we req!@#@^immedia@#%
@#@#%tance. Our@#%^#$&#^$%not last much longer. $#@tiate @!@#^%$&$#
#@!#@$%enemies! We need your$#@^@#@#$!] The message trailed off.
"Captain, there is a large
energy source radiating from the
Moon's surface. It's jamming the transmission," the magic [as
opposed to 'science'] officer said.
"Is there any way we can
boost the signal?" the captain
"Aye, captain." The magic officer manipulated a few controls.
[Message repeat: This is@#!$nquility
Base. HMS Ne@^#&s, we
request im$&diate assista^&e. Our for$&$%&annot last much longer.
I*&$%ate bombardment on the enem$$s! We&*@ed your help NOW!]
"Red alert! Engines to maximum
capacity. Ready weaponry,"
the captain commanded urgently. He hadn't anticipated taking the
ship into battle for a while; it had been severely damaged when
a certain monster had demolished the rest of the fleet. It could
fire just fine, but most of the shielding was knocked out. He also
knew that he had passengers to think of, but it wasn't going to do
much good for them if the planet where they were traveling to was
destroyed. Hopefully, he would only have to provide support from
orbit. "Move into position."
"Pitiful little things,"
the leader of the attack said,
vaporizing another group of soldiers. All weapons so far against
him and his henchmen had incurred almost no damage whatsoever.
He read something off a heads-up display in front of his eye.
"Hmph. Power levels of a mere hundred or two at best."
*CRASH!* A focused blast
impacted one of his henchmen from
"Direct hit!" the weapons officer shouted triumphantly.
"Continue bombardment," the captain commanded.
The attack leader looked
at his toasted companion. He then
looked toward the starship that had fired on them-
*BLAMBLAMBLAM!* -And effortlessly
dodged several more
incoming shots. The blasted henchman dusted himself off and aimed
a shot of his own at the starship.
The ship rocked from the
impact. The bridge crew flew
several feet from their seats.
<I REALLY need to install
seatbelts sometime!> the captain
thought, regaining his chair. "Damage report!"
"Life support at fifty percent,
weapons are offline, the
shield system is *gone*," The chief engineer paused and turned
towards the captain, "and we have a major hull breach on the
The captain gritted his teeth.
"Terrific... Captain to
Nephrite... Nephrite, do you hear me?"
[(Gasp) Yes, (Deep breath)
yes, I hear you,] Nephrite said,
struggling for air as life support was reestablished in his area.
"Is everyone alright down there?"
"Yes, I think so. There was
a bright flash before the force
fields came on. Only minor shrapnel cuts and..." Nephrite trailed
"What is it?" The captain asked.
"I... can't find Terra!"
The captain sighed grimly.
"So many people lost in this war,"
"Captain, we're detecting more incoming discharges."
It was a nice show, Terra
had thought, at least until someone
decided to make her an acting participant. Being sucked out of a
tear in the wall out into the cold vacuum of space was definitely
a novel experience. It was also a nice thing to know that gravity
was still functioning. She also knew, from her memory download of
the now comatose Senshi, that she should presently be in mortal
Terra screamed, obedient to her
knowledge of the situation.
"Okay, stay calm, you've
been in worse situations before..."
I'm calm, really I am. I'm calm.
Everyone else calm?"
The poll came back: 30% calm, 50% not calm, 20% undecided.
"I'm... a little confused
here... If this is a vacuum, and
I'm talking aloud, then what just happened to the laws of physics?"
Terra looked down and saw
that she was holding an important
piece of magical life-support equipment that was inadvertently
torn from the wall when the hull breached. "Oh, that explains it."
Terra noticed something else.
"Oooh! Look at that! It's
coming at me so very fast... very, VERY fast... I wonder if it
wants to be friends with me..."
Terra watched the ground come closer, then something clicked.
The leader of the attack
was preparing to fire again at the
"AAAAAAAH! (Plop!)" -That
is, until a little girl landed in
his arms. "Hi, and thanks, Mr. Man," she said cutely.
"Yeech!" the leader said,
recoiling and dropping the girl,
unable to tolerate her sheer _cuteness_.
<Hey, that wasn't very
nice!> Terra thought, standing up.
<By the way, if you hadn't noticed, that's one of the people who
are currently engaged in destroying the planet.>
The leader checked the power
readings on the girl and received
a surprise. "A power level of twenty thousand. Impressive."
<So what are you waiting
for? Blast 'em!> Terra thought, then
thought again, <I only have a little left from what I could channel
from the Silence Glaive. Should I waste that?> The response was
overwhelmingly affirmative. <Wait! We haven't done the speech yet!>
"I'm Terra. You're glue.
What comes off me sticks to you,"
Terra said. The attackers raised their eyebrows. Terra mentally
kicked herself. <WHAT KINDA SPEECH WAS THAT?! MENTAL BOOT TO THE
*Whack!* Terra found herself
sprawling on the ground. She
stood and dusted herself off. <Oh, just forget it. Let's go blow
'em up.> Terra agreed.
*BLAM!KERSLAAAM!* Terra began
levitating and tossing ribbon
blasts left and right at the attackers. They were more surprised
than hurt from the shots. They caught on and began attacking.
*Blam...KAPOW!* Several shots came after her. She dodged.
<You know what this fight
really needs? A LITTLE MORE POWER,
AR AR AR!> Terra thought, surrounding herself with the energy
taken from the Glaive in red, glowing ribbons, then finally flaring
up to a higher energy-channeling level.
The leader raised an eyebrow,
but was not particularly worried.
"Impressive, little one, but don't think that will save you," he
said, creating a flare-up of his own. His henchmen did the same.
<We can maintain this
lever for.. another three minutes at
most,> Terra thought, charging up a blast that she hoped would
take at least one of them out. The ribbons formed in front of her,
concentrating themselves into a small, concentrated ball of energy,
"Pseudo-Stellar Quantum-Phase Nano-Molecular Disintegration...
WITH A DOUBLE PIKE AND A HALF TWIST!!!!"
"Captain, the blasts have
stopped," the tactical officer
said, "but we're detecting a large detonation on the lunar
The ship shuddered as excess
energy poured out from the
detonation in a wide stream, barely missing them by a few feet.
"Report!" the captain ordered.
"It seems to mostly be localizing
itself around two of the
enemies, and it seems to contain more energy than that area of
space can handle," the tactical officer said as he analyzed more
information. The ship stopped shuddering. "It's gone, sir."
"And the enemies?" The captain
asked. The officer at
tactical analyzed even more information.
"We are now detecting *four*
large energy emitters. One,
however, seems to be losing power."
The leader coughed out a
black puff of smoke, his enhanced
energy level fading. "Nice shot, but we're not finished yet, right,
His henchmen did not respond.
The leader turned around and saw
two marks in the ground, apparently where some mass had prevented
the blast from fully impacting the dirt. He turned further and saw
his charred henchmen crawling back to their spacecraft and taking
"CHEAP HIRED HELP!!" he called after them, shaking his fist.
"Haha! Gotcha!" Terra said, happy to have blasted something.
"We shall see about that,"
the attack leader said, turning
toward her. "Your power levels have already dropped to less than ten
thousand." Terra shrugged and prepared to blast some more.
*ZZT!* She was only able
to produce a few sparks. The few
remaining ribbons around her faded and she landed hard on the
"Hmm... Less than two thousand," the man commented.
<Hey, what happened?>
Terra asked herself, then replied, <I
could only maintain that energy level for a few more minutes...
IF you didn't use it all!>
"Interesting... Your power level is now at fifty."
Terra hit herself. "Baka! You wasted all the energy!"
<What does 'baka' mean?!> Terra asked herself, confused.
<Well, um, 'baka' is another
language for 'psycho.' Yeah,
<So I'm a psycho, am I?! TERRA NO BAKA!!!>
*WHAM!* The personality was
sent flying into the other side
of Terra's head, knocking her down. She once again stood. The
attacker looked confused for a moment, but he shrugged it off and
began to build up his energy level again.
<Yes, I know you are,
but what am I?> the personality thought,
reintegrating itself. <But that can wait. See Mr. Firepower over
there? He looks mad. See yourself? You're completely out of
destructive energy. Now ask yourself: How am I going to get out of
<How'm I gonna get outta this?!>
<I'm glad you asked. Now,
if you were paying attention when
we first arrived, you would have noticed that he has almost zero
tolerance for cuteness.>
<Hey, I've got a pretty
limited capacity on that particular
<True, but had you been
paying attention... I know you've got
a problem with that... but had you been doing so, you would have
noticed that your new form has roughly fifty times more resistance
for it than that old monster form.>
thought, consciousness finally
catching on. Her consciousness also caught on to the fact that
the so termed 'Mr. Firepower' had fully recovered, reestablished
his upped energy-level, and was in mid-blast.
<QUICK, DO SOMETHING!!!>
And so, something was done.
Within a fraction of a second,
Terra had optimized her form for tolerance of cuteness. Effects
included the color shift from red and green to pink, slightly
larger eyes, etc. The most important effect, though, was that the
attacker had stopped his blast, eyes wide in shock and disbelief.
"A power level of *NEGATIVE*
four-hundred thousand?!" he
yelled, reading from his frantically beeping heads-up display, which
sparked for a moment, then exploded off the side of his face. He
winced for a moment from the sheer force behind the explosion of his
display, and then his gaze focused back on Terra. He involuntarily
gasped and took a step back in horror of the terrible sight before
him. "You... Wha... What are you?!?!"
"Tee-hee!" Kawaii-Terra giggled,
causing the former attacker
to cringe in agony. She assumed a hurt expression. "But I just
wanna be friends!" she said, so cute that you'd just want to hug
her and squeeze her until there was no life left in her, if you
could keep yourself from gagging and survive the sugar overload,
"This... cannot be possible,"
the man whispered under his
breath, feeling sudden imbalances beginning to creep up in the
glucose/insulin levels in his blood. He backed up farther. The
sugar levels in the air were almost suffocating.
"Tee-hee! I like you! You're
funny, Myster Myan!" Kawaii-
Terra said, moving closer. The attack leader screamed and sprinted
back toward his spacecraft as fast as he possibly could. Terra
followed quickly, skipping and humming a cute tune.
Just before he reached his
ship, Terra got to him, hugged
him, and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. His teeth shattered.
"Okay, I love you, bye-bye!"
Kawaii-Terra giggled, hopping off
of him and skipping a short distance away. "La la la la la!"
The man barely managed to
slump into his craft and drop his
hand onto the autopilot switch before he lost consciousness.
The craft blasted off.
Terra waved goodbye to the
ship, watching it depart. When
it was gone, she returned to her previous form, then started coughing
"It was on that fateful day
that I discovered the deadliest
anti-personnel technique in the universe..." A.S.K. said, pausing
for effect, "THE KAWAII-KEN!!!"
"You see, for years after
that initial experience, I've had
nightmares about it. I couldn't even say any words related to
cuteness for the next *decade*, and I *still* find myself giggling
on occasion. The Kawaii-Ken holds tremendous power, but it also
holds a terrible price for the user. I have never tapped the full
power of it, and hope I never will be forced to, for the use of the
Kawaii-Ken holds the risk of permanently losing one's mind, and
being rendered a creature of cuteness, with whom *DEATH* awaits,
with GREAT, BIG, PINK, PENETRATING EYES!!" A.S.K. said, emphasizing
that past bit with hand gestures.
"What an eccentric performance,"
the receptionist whispered,
shrugging off his story, then said, "Your appointment is for now."
"Oh yeah," A.S.K. realized. "Thanks. Which room number?"
"Thanks again," A.S.K. said, walking toward an elevator.
The receptionist pressed
a button. "Dr. Shiatori, your
patient is here."
On A.S.K.'s way to the room,
his communicator beeped. He
pulled it out and answered.
"Hello? Computer, is that you?"
[Affirmative. The task is complete. They're on their way.]
"Good. Who'd they send? Was
it Detective Kiyone? Did they
send in Mihoshi, too? Who was it?"
[I did not send a message to the Galaxy Police-]
"Well, then, send it. I'm
going in for brain work, and
the problem needs to be taken care of."
[Understood, but I have already
filed a request with
another group. They will arrive within the hour to consult you
about the trouble.]
"Consult me about the trouble?
Wait... no, you didn't, you
wouldn't, you couldn't..."
[The 3WA will be happy to assist us.]
A.S.K. sighed. Yes, the 3WA...
but there was still hope for
the planet's survival. "Which group did they send?"
[I specifically requested-]
"On second thought, Maybe I don't want to know..."
[-The Lovely Angels,] the
computer concluded. Several of
A.S.K.'s personalities had nervous breakdowns.
"The Dirty Pair..." he whispered.
Somewhere, far across the
galaxy, a certain redhead felt
"I sense a great disturbance in the force..." Kei said.
"Whelp, there goes the planet,"
A.S.K. said. "Congratulations,
Computer. You've done better than I could. I'll go get my mind
messed with now. I'm going to need it."
"Now activate all functional
defenses. Do not let them get
through. Inform them that their 'help' will no longer be required.
I'm not quite done with this world yet."
[But what about the cake-based-] *Click*
"Now, on we go," A.S.K. said,
putting away his communicator,
accidentally slamming his head against a poorly-placed shelf.
<AAA! Damage report!>
A.S.K. thought, accidentally breaking
a vase, spilling cold water all over him. He shrank. Oddly enough,
his armor still fit perfectly.
<Curse suppression offline,> Super-Deformed-A.S.K. thought.
<Dang! Anything else?>
<By all the thinking about
cuteness in the past while without
sufficient mental safeguards, we have accidentally triggered the
Kawaii-Ken,> A.S.K. thought. This alarmed him a great deal. He
noticed that his hair had already turned pink.
<EMERGENCY POWER!!!> Kawaii-SD-A.S.K.
enforcing suppression. "I must not listen to the cuteness...
Cuteness is the mind killer... Cuteness is the adorable little
death that brings total annihilation. I will face my cuteness. It
will pass over me and through me, and only I will remain."
The power added to resistance
and the 'litany against cuteness'
did its work, and A.S.K was mostly back to 'normal.'
<Okay, NOW, everything
said? Yes? Good! On we go!> he thought
as he opened the door and went in. Inside was an assortment of
medical equipment: CT scanner, MRI, DNA sequencer, and last but most
expensive, the machine that goes 'bing.'
Along with all this technology
was a woman, whom A.S.K. assumed
to be the Brain Specialist. She turned around and froze when she saw
"Hello, Doctor? Are you the
brain specialist?" A.S.K. asked.
The doctor in question blinked as if shaking herself out of a
trance and looked at A.S.K. again. She smiled, hearts in her eyes
as she saw A.S.K.'s sword.
"Claudette!" she said, diving
at A.S.K., taking the sword out
of it's sheath. It turned out that the sword hadn't fully
reconstituted itself from the SD state, or the Kawaii state for
that matter. A.S.K. paid no mind to it, attention strictly focused
on the doctor.
"Excuse me, Doctor, I asked
if you were the Brain Specialist,"
A.S.K. said. The doctor, having heard the question for the first
time, looked over to him.
"Who? Widdle Azusa?" she
asked, then shook her head, "No,
widdle Azusa isn't a brain spe..ci..a...l," she continued, her
attention focusing back on the sword. She smiled, then began to nod
vigorously, "Yes, yes! Widdle Azusa IS a Brain Specialist!"
That was the answer A.S.K.
was waiting for. "Well, I have this
problem," he said, searching for the proper terminology to describe
the horrible pain he was in. "My... brain hurts."
The doctor looked at him,
focusing, trying to come up with
the right answer. She finally gave up and focused back on the
Kawaii-SD-Sword. "It'll... have to come out," she concluded.
"My brain?" A.S.K. asked,
confused, not having heard of that
particular way of treating mental trauma.
The doctor nodded.
"I've never seen anyone refit
a ship so quickly," Yuri said,
looking at the new control center for the Lovely Angel. She turned
to her partner. "Kei, do you think we've been pushing Zen too hard?"
Kei was crying. "He's gone
totally ballistic!" She sniffed,
then said, "I'm so proud of him!"
"Ma'am, um... sir, um...
ZEN!" an extra that was added to
control some new station said, "There's a blockade of some sort..."
"On screen," Zen-chan commanded.
The view showed several large
attack vessels lining the outside of the system's asteroid belt.
"They're hailing us," another extra said.
Zen-chan was still in a berserker
mode from the loss of his
work. "Zen will not tolerate any more delays. Forget hailing
frequencies... FIRE PHASERS!!!"
The ship unlucky enough to
be in front of the Lovely Angel
exploded in a brilliant display of sub-atomic detonation.
"Kei... Zen hasn't acted
like this before..." Yuri said.
Zen-chan pushed a few buttons.
[Multi-vectored assault mode
initiated. Target?] the computer
"The blockade!" Zen-chan
shouted. The ship jarred as it split
into three sections, each blasting away at a target. Enemy ships
exploded left and right.
"Oh, stop worrying, Yuri,
he's doing just fine!" Kei replied,
watching the battle with interest. "By the way, since when did we
get a 'multi-vectored assault mode'?"
"I don't know... Zen just
installed it, along with some
regenerative shields, ablative armor, quantum torpedoes, hyperdrive
engines, and just about everything else you can think of," Yuri
said, drinking a beverage. She spit it out in distaste. "But he
STILL hasn't fixed the replicators yet!"
"Zen is a bit busy right
now!" Zen-chan said, ship shuddering
from an impact. "Be patient and Zen will get to it!" The ship
jarred from another impact.
"They've locked on!" an extra
said. Zen-chan pulled out a
"Re-route auxiliary power!"
Zen-chan commanded, reading from
the manual, "Then create an inverse tachyon flux through the
"Aye... Zen!" the extra said.
The ship shuddered for a few
seconds, then went still. "It worked! They're disabled... Zen!"
"Hail them," Zen-chan said.
Kei sighed happily. "Shoot
first, ask questions later. Looks
like that training paid off."
"This is Zen, currently commanding
the Lovely Angel.
Resistance is futile. Zen *WILL* complete this mission. Message
ends." Hailing frequencies were closed. "Rejoin and proceed on
course." The ship jarred as it came back together.
"Nice work, Zen," Kei said, smiling.
The new doctor looked at
what the operation would include.
"Complete *neural removal*?!" the young-looking redhead asked
incredulously, then looked at A.S.K. with a smile. "You've just
made my day."
"You're the brain surgeon?!"
A.S.K. asked incredulously from
his restrained position on the medical table.
She nodded, scanning A.S.K.
with an odd device. "You have
a *REALLY* fascinating energy field around you," she said, then
thought, <Guess who gets to be my next experiment!>
"Um, aren't you a bit young
to be doing brain surgery?"
A.S.K. asked, trying but unable to even budge the restraints.
The short doctor thought
about A.S.K.'s question, considered
a few different ways of responding, then she finally shrugged and
settled on the truth. "Well, I am twenty thousand years old. Try
and beat that." She looked A.S.K. over. "You're probably... not
A.S.K. rolled his eyes. "Come
on! I have to be at least
The doctor smirked and, on
a whim, scanned to check his
exact age. Getting the results back, her eyes widened and she
"Is something wrong?" A.S.K.
asked. The doctor recovered
and shot him an overcute, maniacal grin.
"No, nothing at all," she
said, thinking, <This is going
to be the best experiment *EVER*!>
"Okay. By the way, shouldn't
you be using any pain-killers?
Knock out agents or something?" A.S.K. asked as the doctor walked
toward him with a sharp, high-tech object. She laughed and shook
"No, of course not. This
isn't rocket science, it's Brain
Surgery!" she said, placing the sharp, high-tech device at the
center of A.S.K.'s chest armor.
Outside the operating room...
in the waiting room, actually,
sounds could be heard...
"Wait, isn't my brain in
my head?" a somewhat worried voice
"Nooo, whatever gave you
that idea?" another voice replied.
People waiting looked up from their magazines.
Very loud sounds of drilling
began, along with maniacal
"-and then Amy and I will
hide, waiting for the signal,
then transform if there's any trouble!"
"Serena..." Luna said in wonder, "That's a wonderful plan!"
"Well, Terra helped," Serena said.
Arby poked his head out of
a hole in the ground, wearing a
green World War II helmet with five crescent moons on it. "Alroight,
alroight. Come along then. The pizza will wait for nobody! Got you
mushrooms ready for covert assault! Now, MOVE!"
Arby exited the hole, hiding
in the shadows. A few mushrooms
followed him out, doing the same.
Luna sighed. Serena looked at her questioningly.
"Another one of his pet projects.
Please, DON'T ask!" the
mooncat said. "But enough of that. Let's get that plan of yours
Tuxedo Mask crept along the
small, suffocating passageways
of the ventilation shaft. Just a little farther and he'd be able
to get a clear view of... SAILOR EARTH?!
"Oh my! Tuxedo Mask, what
a surprise!" Sailor Earth said,
looking up into the vent. Tuxedo Mask accidentally opened the vent,
thudding to the ground in a surprisingly heroic-looking heap. He
"Greetings to you, fair and
beauteous Sailor Earth. What
may Tuxedo Mask, shooting star of romantic evenings, do for you?"
Tuxedo Mask asked. At Sailor Earth's blank look, he thought over
the last few phrases he said, and realized how they must have
sounded. "Um, sorry. My poetry professor hasn't been in lately,
and the substitute they got usually teaches Kendo, so, well...
Do you mind if I drop the mysterious act for a while? I've been
having a rough day..."
"I understand," Sailor Earth
said brightly. "By the way,
we've all been wondering why you invited so many people to come
to a romantic evening... Do you think you can handle all of them?"
Tuxedo Mask looked a bit
miffed. "I didn't invite all of
them. Somebody figured out my name... of course it wouldn't be
hard considering that I keep shouting it out every once in a
while... but that's not the point. The point is that someone has
committed mail fraud! Surely, as a sailor-suited-warrior, you can
understand my need for justice!"
Sailor Earth nodded enthusiastically.
"By the way, how did you see me?" Tuxedo Mask asked.
"Um, I heard the guitar and looked up," Sailor Earth said.
"Guitar?" Tuxedo Mask asked, confused.
"Yes... whenever you or...
some guy called Darien shows up,
someone plays a few notes on a guitar," Sailor Earth said helpfully.
Realization dawned on Tuxedo Mask.
"El Kabong..." he whispered.
"Who?" Sailor Earth asked.
"Um, nobody," he said, glancing
around, "By the way, what are
you doing here?"
"You invited me," Sailor
Earth said simply. Tuxedo Mask
thought about it heroically.
"Oh... Oh! I did, didn't
I? I wanted to talk to you about...
you know, life, old times... Then SOMEBODY just had to go and
invite everyone else!"
"How did you find out my
address?" the cheerful, redheaded
Senshi asked, not seeming to have been at all phased by this.
Tuxedo Mask looked nervous... but a *heroic* sort of nervous.
"Let's just say that your parents are quite proud of you."
"Oh," Sailor Earth said,
not losing her bright expression.
Tuxedo Mask sighed. "What is it?"
"Nothing... It's just that...
you're so nice... Aren't
you supposed to, um, be... angry? I mean, on the surface, it looks
like I invited every other girl in the solar system... Aren't you
supposed to, like, punt me through the wall, screaming about what
a jerk I am, or something?" Tuxedo Mask asked with a wistful look.
"Personal experience?" Sailor
Earth observed. Tuxedo Mask
sighed wistfully, nodding. "I... I could do that for you, if you'd
"Would you, please? It'd
make me feel so much more
Sailor Earth nodded brightly,
her face assuming a mask of
complete-and-utter hatred, and she pulled out a HUGE,
TRANSDIMENSIONAL MALLET OF DOOM with the inscription: "Makimura
Kaori, inc. The best TRANSDIMENSIONAL MALLETS OF DOOM in the
multiverse!" Tuxedo Mask closed his eyes.
"TUXEDO NO BAKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"
Tuxedo Mask opened his eyes.
Sailor Earth had resumed her
bright expression. "How was that?" she asked.
Tuxedo Mask didn't feel any
pain. "Um, well," he stammered
until he finally felt something. This something is much like the
feeling induced on a Warner Brothers cartoon character... when
they crumble to pieces, that is. "AAAARRRGGGHHH!!"
"Oh my! Is something wrong?!"
Sailor Earth asked. Now,
Tuxedo Mask didn't crumble to pieces, since this is not a Warner
Brothers cartoon. It was a Japanese Anime... Okay, a dubbed NA
continuity subdivision, but the end result was that he merely felt
like he *did* fall to pieces. He crumpled to the ground, writhing
in agony, screaming... Then he stopped, blinked, stood up, and
"Thank you, Sailor Earth.
I needed that," Tuxedo Mask said.
"Shall we go and take care of that mail-fraud-making impostor?"
"Okay," Sailor Earth said brightly.
Nephrite had everything set
up. The 'wonderful' plan seemed
to be working out just fine. Now all he had to do was find a
girl that might be a Sailor Scout... Was that a man screaming?
"What the..." Nephrite whispered.
The scream lasted about
ten seconds. Four seconds after that, he was convinced that he
had imagined it. "Oh well... Wait, here one comes!"
Molly walked into the room,
looking around nervously.
Nephrite sensed a strange, yet familiar energy around her. <She
HAS to be one of them!> Nephrite thought.
"And competing in today's
Tennis match will be the Dirty
Trio, er... LOVELY ANGELS, sorry! And the Cake-based Aliens that
turned so many of our friends into Scotsmen," the commentator said.
"What did you just call us?" Kei asked, eyes narrowing.
"Eh heh... Um, nothing, nothing whatever."
"Nothing whatever?" Yuri echoed.
"Nothing whatever," the commentator replied.
Kei decided to let it go and looked around. "Where's Zen?"
Yuri also looked around and
spotted Zen-chan talking to a
group consisting of a tall blonde guy carrying a sword, a short
redhead dressed like a sorceress, and a black-haired girl in her
early teens. "There he is." They walked over to her. The group that
Zen-chan was with left, walking toward the Tennis court.
"No running off, Zen," Yuri
said. Zen-chan was grinning like
a maniac. "What?"
"Zen has taken care of the
problem," Zen-chan said, pointing
toward the group.
group had completely devoured the
cake-based aliens in less than four seconds.
"Mission complete," Zen-chan
said. "Now Zen can finally go
"Not so fast, Zen," Yuri
said. "We're getting another
"Looks like someone sent
in a virus to the CC, causing
irregular behavior... Zen, I think this guy caused the computer
to erase your work!" Kei said.
"What?!" Zen-chan asked,
taking out a StarTrek PADD and
reviewing the new orders. "Hmm... Perhaps Zen was wrong in blaming
"Our new orders are to find
and capture or eliminate this
person," Yuri said. "It looks like it's the same person who sent
for us in the first place..."
The doctor's maniacal laughter ended as her drill broke.
"Hey! It was supposed drill
clear through!" she shouted
annoyedly. Wanting to know what could stop her drill, she scanned
A.S.K.'s armor. "Steel composites... titanium alloys, bio-temporal
crystal, materia, and carbon neutronium... (sigh) figures."
"What's wrong now?" A.S.K.
asked. The doctor gave him
another overcute, maniacal smile.
"Did you know that you're
a gravitational disaster waiting
for the inertial dampeners to go offline?" She asked. A.S.K.
blinked. "Guess not. Does that armor come off?" The tall knight
thought about it.
"I don't think so..." he said.
The doctor smiled. "Time
to pull out the big guns, then," she
said, pushing a button, causing a laser-like device to swing over
and aim itself directly at A.S.K.'s chest.
"What's that?" he asked.
"An adaptation of the Dimensional
Cannon. This baby'll cut
through fifty lightyears of lead in less than point-oh-two seconds,"
she said proudly, programming a few numbers into a computer terminal.
A.S.K. began to look nervous.
"Um, I just remembered...
I have to... alphabetize my
socks," he said, struggling against the restraints, not moving
them in the slightest.
"Don't bother struggling.
And forget teleportation. We're
blocking it. Some people get nervous at this stage in the doctor's
appointment, so we have to keep them from leaving any way we can.
Don't worry, once I'm done with these experiments, I'll piece you
back together... somehow, and then I'll remove your brain. Just be
A.S.K. began to nod, then
the implications of what had
just been explained hit him. "I'm doomed," he said, then replied,
"Well, as the Venusians said, 'Don't worry. Things can only get
better, because they cannot possibly get any worse.'"
His communicator beeped.
"Hello, computer," he said,
cheerfully mumbling over the
Venusian Planetary Anthem. "What's happening?"
[The Lovely Angels have broken
past the perimeter. Loss
of all ships is reported,] the computer said cheerfully. A.S.K.'s
last ray of hope crumbled beyond recognition.
"I hate to tell you this,
but things just got worse," A.S.K.
said to himself. "Yeah, I noticed. Thanks for telling me these
The doctor looked over at
him, and smiled once more as she
turned back toward the terminal, programming the last few vectors.
"This should only take a
little while," the doctor said.
"You're such a fascinating specimen. It would be a shame to let
you go without, at the *very* least, dissecting you." A.S.K.
stared in disbelief.
"Oh, great! All I wanted
was some brain surgery to piece
my skull back together. I DIDN'T EXPECT THE WHOLE DANG SPANISH
The door blew inward, and
three women in red robes rushed in.
The one in front was carrying what was essentially a long staff
with an oddly shaped blade on the tip.
"NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH
INQUISITION!!!" the one in front
exclaimed in a fake Castillian accent. "Our five main weapons are
Deep Submerge... Our FOUR main weapons are World Shaking... um, our
THREE main weapons... oh, forget it. Let's try that one again."
"Saturn?" A.S.K. whispered,
sort of recognizing the face
and the Glaive. His mind returned to the situation at hand. "Er,
like I was saying, I didn't expect to get the Spanish Inquisition
*BLAM!* "Nobody expects the
Spanish Inquisition! Our four
main weapons are fear, surprise, and..." The one now speaking cut
off. "Neptune, maybe you'd better try this."
They left. The doctor watched
in fascination. A.S.K.
watched in confusion. "I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition?"
*BLAM!!* A completely different
wall blew in, and when the
smoke cleared, A.S.K. saw two people he recognized being led by
another that he didn't.
"HA! NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH
INQUISITION!!!" the leader
"Egads! The Dirty Pair-"
A.S.K. said, breaking off when the
redhead he recognized as Kei of the Dirty Pair approached him.
<TELEPORT!!! GET ME OUT OF HERE, NOW!!!!>
A.S.K. thought back. He asked himself
for a complete status report.
<Energy reserves... Intact
Energy Manipulation... Minimal
Energy Channeling... Minimal
Curse Suppression... Offline-*Emergency Activated*
Kawaii-Ken... Online and activated-*Emergency Suppressed*
Luna Pen... Online-*Discontinued*
Energy Shielding... Offline
Skull Integrity... Minimal
Personality Direction... Moderate
Emergency Power... Critical>
<Huh?> A.S.K. asked himself,
then responded, <Basically, we're
"You have been charged with
tampering with 3WA hardware-" Yuri
"-insulting an officer-" Kei piped in.
"-and deleting Zen's work!"
The other said with more than
a hint of malice. "Confess!"
"Confess!!" Yuri echoed.
"Confess!!!" Kei said.
"Ummmmmm," A.S.K. began nervously,
then finished analysis of
the charges, "Hey, wait... who's Zen?"
"ZEN is Zen," the one A.S.K.
didn't recognize said. A.S.K.
just looked confused.
"Okay, look, HE'S Zen," Yuri
said, pointing at Zen-chan.
A.S.K. blinked, not seeing any 'he.' "Oh, just forget it... Zen,
what was the deal with that 'Spanish Inquisition' thing, anyway?"
*BLAM!* A completely different
wall blew in, revealing the
Outer Senshi, wearing red robes.
"Nobody, um, uh..." Neptune struggled with the line.
"-Expects," Uranus helped.
"Um, RIGHT! Expect the Spanish..."
"Just forget it," Saturn
said, moving past the Lovely Angels
to stand in front of A.S.K. "Confess!"
"Confess!!" Neptune echoed.
"Confess!!!" Uranus said forcefully.
"Who are these people?" Kei
asked rhetorically. She shrugged.
A.S.K.'s resistance crumbled,
dampening the barriers he had
piled up against the curse and the Kawaii-Ken. "I confess!" He
said, shrinking down. All present took a step back, shocked at his
transformation. "Tee-hee!" he giggled in a cute, high-pitched voice.
The Lovely Angels and the
Outer Senshi gagged slightly at
this, giving SD-Kawaii-A.S.K. room and time to slip out of the
restraints and bolt out one of the many new exits in the room. He
ran past the doctor from earlier, retrieving his sword, then
"Give Azusa back her Claudette!"
Azusa called, then she got
a good look at SD-Kawaii-A.S.K. and gasped. "Jean-Luc!!!"
"Get back here! I need to
finish your dissection and brain
removal first!" the newer doctor called.
"Hey, we haven't finished the scene yet!" Saturn called.
"Stop! You're under arrest!" Kei called.
"Zen is not finished with you!" Zen-chan called.
They all began pursuit.
[Sailor Moon, I could really
use some backup right now,]
Sailor Earth called through the communicator.
"We'll be right there!" Serena said.
"Moon Prism Power!!!"
"See the guy in the tux?" Tuxedo Mask whispered.
"Yes," Sailor Earth whispered back.
"He's the impostor. See that girl?"
"Yes, that's Molly... and
that guy's draining her energy...
She just lost consciousness," Sailor Earth replied. "Shouldn't we
Tuxedo Mask nodded. "Stay
back and keep an eye out for
trouble. If anyone sneaks up behind you... blast 'em... or whatever
that attack of yours does."
Sailor Earth nodded, happy
to be of help. Tuxedo Mask jumped
silently to a different set of rafters and threw a rose, which
imbedded itself in the floor just in front of Nephrite, who looked
up in surprise. Tuxedo Mask lept down heroically.
"I am Tuxedo Mask, shooting
star of-" Tuxedo Mask caught
himself and cleared his throat. "Release that girl, impostor!"
"TUXEDO MASK?!! You're not
supposed to be here!!!" Nephrite
yelled in surprise. He then stopped and smiled. "What are you
going to do? Throw a rose at me? Whack me with your cane?"
Tuxedo Mask shook his head.
"The damage you have done to
my reputation far exceeds that punishment... I must introduce you
to an old friend of mine... El Kabong."
"Who?" Nephrite asked, not recognizing the name.
*WHAM!* Tuxedo Mask smashed a guitar against Nephrite's head.
"Kabong!!" Tuxedo Mask said, smiling.
Nephrite groaned and pulled
the guitar off his head. "Pah!
You're not worthy of fighting me," he said, teleporting.
"Earth... Sunshine and Happiness!"
Sailor Earth said,
summoning her 'attack' upon Nephrite, who had teleported behind
"Impressive, Sailor girl!"
Nephrite said, recovering as the
'attack' ended, "But not impressive enough." He knocked her down
from the rafters.
"Sailor Earth!" Tuxedo Mask
said in shock, leaping to catch
Nephrite was nursing a broken
wrist. "What are you made of,
"Aren't you supposed to attack
with a little more force?"
Tuxedo Mask asked Sailor Earth, whom he was holding in his arms.
"I... didn't want to hurt
him," Sailor Earth said. Tuxedo
Mask sighed, putting her down.
"Jedite... er, JADEITE was
right... you need to be dealt with
as soon as possible!" Nephrite said. "I call upon the powers of
"Mercury Bubbles... BLAST!!"
The area was blanketed with
a thick fog.
"Yes, Mercury Bubbles," Nephrite
continued, then realized
his mistake, "No-I meant-"
"Moon Tiara... Magic!" Sailor
Moon called, throwing her
tiara at Nephrite, who simply caught it with almost no effort.
"Hey! I thought Starlight Knight increased my powers!" She whined.
The youma disintegrated.
"Nice shot, Sailor Moon,"
Starlight Knight said, appraising
her work, "But... you aren't using the added power I gave you."
"What do you mean?" Sailor Moon asked.
"I mean that your tiara is
tapping exactly the same amount
of energy it was before," S.K. said. "If you tapped your extra
power, you could gain so much more force and control,"
"Like... what?" Sailor Moon asked. S.K. thought about it.
"Try concentrating on...
oh, an energy flare-up... perhaps
you could try something like telekinesis-"
"Teleke-what?" Sailor Moon asked.
"Moving stuff around with
your mind... wait, here's an
energy pattern," S.K. said, concentrating. "Can you see the way
the magical threads weave themselves together to overcome force
and channel energy?"
Sailor Moon didn't sense anything at all. "Um... no?"
S.K. sighed. "So much for
the easy way... Sailor Moon! I
respectfully request that you start thinking and stop acting like
such... an EMPTY-HEADED MEATBALL-BRAIN!!!!!"
Sailor Moon froze into position
as her tiara flared with huge
amounts of energy, rising straight off of her head, flaring again
angrily, flying forward at a very high velocity, and slamming
directly into the center of S.K.'s armor, knocking him backward.
*BAM!* It rebounded off,
then swung back, impacting on him
It hit several more times
on S.K.'s armor, each time at a different angle, finally knocking
him to the ground. The tiara flew back above Sailor Moon's head,
flaring once more, then settling back onto its original position.
Sailor Moon then shook herself, as if coming out of a trance.
Sailor Moon gasped as she
saw Starlight Knight on the ground.
"Starlight Knight! Are you alright?!" She asked, worried.
"(Cough) Your subconscious
is working just fine... But as
an ancient Jedi master once said, 'Control, control, you must learn
"Oh yeah!" Sailor Moon said in realization.
Nephrite looked down at the
tiara he held in his working
hand, then looked to the Sailor Scouts as the fog cleared.
"Maybe I should just send a few youma after you. You're not worth
"Moon..." Sailor Moon began,
trying to get a conscious handle
on how to use the technique she had unknowingly created.
"Oh, what would you be trying
to do now?" Nephrite asked, fed
up with the attacks that had previously been used.
"Tiara..." Sailor Moon continued,
slowly grasping the use of
the required energy pattern.
"Are you still trying to win?" Nephrite asked in fascination.
"Action!!!" Sailor Moon finished.
The tiara in Nephrite's
hand flared to life.
"What?!" Nephrite asked in
shock. The tiara forced itself out
of his grasp, and floated in front of his face. It flared angrily,
drawing back a few feet.
*BAM!* Nephrite was barely
able to throw up a shield to
prevent it from hitting him directly. The tiara bounced off, flared
up again, drew back once more and flew at Nephrite even faster than
it did before.
*SWOOSH!* Nephrite teleported
in time to keep it from hitting
*SMASH!* It zeroed in on
his new location a few yards away and
broke through his shield. He reestablished it.
move. It hit him, then bounced off
his shield, sending it back, hitting him several more times in a
ricochet effect until his shield dropped again. The tiara flew in
front of his face again, flaring menacingly.
"You... have... beaten...
me?" he whispered incredulously,
collapsing on the floor. Nephrite decided that enough was enough.
"Negaverse... secret technique," he forced out, then teleported
away, barely missing getting hit by the tiara again.
The tiara moved over Sailor
Moon, flared, then settled back
onto her head. She shook herself out of the daze this had set her
"Did we do it?" Sailor Moon
asked. The answer was an
affirmative. She looked around and saw Molly. "Let's get her home."
Tuxedo Mask waved farewell
and disappeared mysteriously.
As a slight blow to his ego, Molly was the only other girl who
"Excuse me, mister-" SD-Kawaii-A.S.K. began to ask.
"Lieutenant Kenneth Braxton,"
the cannon-fodder red-shirt
extra said, "Sir!"
"Um, yeah, Kenny, whatever.
Can you help me?" SD-Kawaii-A.S.K.
"With what?" Kenneth asked.
Several people approached rapidly,
some on hovering speeder-bikes, some on foot, and one in some other
piece of high-tech equipment.
"With *them!*" SD-Kawaii-A.S.K.
said, pointing towards the new
arrivals. Kenneth nodded and pulled out a phaser.
"There he is!!!"
"Come on, get back here, you cute little specimen, you!"
Kenneth fired a warning shot.
"Halt! I am Lieutenant Kenneth
Braxton, Crystal Federation Temporal Security! On behalf of the
future of the Federation, I will stop you!"
They ignored him.
"I warned you!" Kenneth said,
firing directly at one of the
*ZZZT!* The vehicle shorted
out and crashed, sliding to a
stop. Zen-chan stepped off and fumbled around with a Rather Large
"Oops," Zen-chan said, having
accidentally turned off the
safety and fired.
"YOU KILLED KENNY!!!!!" SD-Kawaii-A.S.K. shouted.
The two other speeder-bikes circled back, picking up Zen-chan.
"Um, Zen, shouldn't you have
just used the stun setting?"
"Zen WAS using the stun setting!"
Zen-chan said, "Zen
"Oh, just forget it! We've
got... pinker fish to fry," Kei
SD-Kawaii-A.S.K. saw that
this wasn't ending anytime soon,
and continued running.
Everyone continued pursuit, leaving the area.
Sailor Pluto appeared and shook her head at the scene.
"Well, at least you will
have not been killed in vain," Sailor
Pluto said. Kenneth opened his eyes.
"Actually, I'm not quite dead, Sailor Pluto," Kenneth said.
"Oh. Then you will not have been mortally *wounded* in vain."
"Really, I feel a lot better
now... Actually, I think I'm
well enough to continue the mission," Kenneth said, sitting up.
"NO! No, that will not be
necessary. Come," Sailor Pluto
said, opening a time portal and dragging him through it. The portal
Sailor Mars sneezed.
Why had she gotten up?
What did she really need to accomplish out here?
She really didn't know. All
that she did know was that she
had an extremely strong feeling that she needed to be here, right
now, in this place... But why?
"Ey! Get back 'ere!" a voice with an odd accent said.
"Arby?" Sailor Mars asked.
"That's roight!" Arby said,
fluttering over to her and sitting
on her shoulder. "Lookit this: Me mushrooms went berserk!" he added
"Mushrooms?" Mars asked,
raising an eyebrow. A five-foot tall
mushroom with razor-sharp teeth bounced out of the bushes, snarling.
Mars backed up a little. She bumped into something. She turned,
seeing four more mushrooms, similar to the first. They snarled,
leaping towards her. She lept out of the way.
"They're Botswanian Picnic Mushrooms," Arby noted.
"Mars Fire... IGNITE!" Mars
said, summoning her attack,
incinerating the mushrooms.
Arby blinked. "Ey," he said,
"you killed me mushrooms..."
He fluttered off. "Gotta grow bigga', uglia' ones, then..."
Mars considered asking what
this was all about, then sneezed.
She decided that all she wanted to do now was get back to bed.
"Zen has you now!" Zen-chan
said, closing in. "Surrender! You
were still in turmoil. He was
barely managing to keep the Kawaii-Ken's mindset from settling in,
all the while running as quickly as he could. Now, he was cornered,
on the verge of complete mental collapse, and had no apparent way
out. The only weapon he had left was the Kawaii-Ken, and he had
absolutely no intention on letting that go all out, especially in
his current state of mind. His last remaining mental barriers to
keep him from being totally overwhelmed by it were already crumbling.
This was it. Trapped. Doomed. Kobayashi Maru.
"NOW I remember. Our three
main weapons are Deep Submerge,
World Shaking, and DEATH RIBBON REVOLUTION!!!" Saturn said,
accidentally initiating her attack, "Oops... Um, stop?"
But it was too late to fully
stop the attack. All that was
left was a smoking crater where SD-Kawaii-A.S.K. was. There was
a moment of silence afterwards.
"Oh, well, then. I guess
that concludes this mission," Yuri
"Right," Kei and Zen-chan said. They left.
Washuu sighed. "Too bad.
He would have made a great
experiment," she said. "I'd thought at least his armor would have
stayed intact." She looked over to Saturn thoughtfully, then
shook her head and left.
"Where is Azusa's Jean-Luc?"
Azusa asked, catching up. She
didn't see him, so she continued looking elsewhere.
The Outer Senshi stood in silence for a few more moments.
"Wasn't he... kind of important
to the timeline?" Neptune
"Oh, don't worry. He'll be
fine," Sailor Pluto said,
appearing behind Uranus.
"GAH!" Uranus said, jumping.
She turned around. "Would you
stop doing that?!"
"You're sure he'll be okay,
Sailor Pluto?" Saturn asked,
looking at the crater, uncertain of the validity of Pluto's last
"Absolutely. Come on, let's
go," Sailor Pluto said, opening
a temporal vortex. They stepped through and the vortex vanished.
on the transporter pad with
his eyes closed.
[Long range transport complete.
Welcome home, sir,] The
computer said cheerfully. SD-Kawaii-A.S.K. opened his eyes and
jumped for joy.
"Yay! I'm back, and now I
can go play with my dollies and-"
He cut off as he realized what he just said. "AAAAHHH! Computer,
activate the EMH!"
"Please state the nature
of the medical emergency," the
EMH said as he appeared.
"My MIND is going, doctor!
Can you help?!" SD-Kawaii-A.S.K.
The EMH took out some medical
equipment and began scanning.
"Shapeshifting instability and ancient martial arts mindset coupled
with brain trauma and a Jusenkyo curse. The only treatment I can
recommend is hot water to stabilize the transformation." The EMH
vanished. SD-Kawaii-A.S.K. forced a nod and walked to the
"Computer... order out for
pizza... No! I mean water, hot!"
[Transmission sent. Receiving a reply,] the computer said.
"Computer, all I wanted was
some hot water!" SD-Kawaii-
A.S.K. said. The water materialized on the replicator.
[Playing transmission: Thank
you for calling the Relief
Goddess Office. We will send someone over immediately.]
SD-Kawaii-A.S.K. picked up
the water and poured it on
himself, regaining his previous height. As the last bit of water
fell, a girl appeared out of it and landed in his arms. She
screamed and whacked him on the head with a mallet.
"OW!" A.S.K. said, rubbing
his head. "Why did you have to
go and do that..." He noticed something. <Status report!>
<All systems nominal.>
He smiled at the girl who was now
in a defensive posture on the other side of the room.
"I don't know how YOU got
selected for a wish, Destroyer
of Worlds, and I'm convinced that Yggdrasil is malfunctioning,"
she said, swinging with her weapon defensively to make sure he
"Yggdrasil? Oh! The computer
that runs the universe. Yeah,
computers do that sometimes," A.S.K. said, in a state of bliss from
not being in any significant pain. "As they say: To err is
human... but to REALLY mess up, you need a computer."
The girl did not calm down
at this friendly communication.
"Let's get this over with. I am a Goddess, and *YOU*," she said,
her voice dripping with venom, "get a wish."
A.S.K. thought about this. "A wish? What can I wish for?"
"Anything," she said guardedly. A.S.K.'s eyes lit up at this.
"I wish to destroy the Uni(CLOMP)mrfe!"
A.S.K. tried to say,
but was stopped when the Goddess snapped her hands over his mouth.
"Don't even think about it," she said menacingly.
"But you said I could wish
for anything!" A.S.K. said as
the hands were removed from his mouth.
"Isn't there anything ELSE
you want besides that?!" she
asked, "A new pair of combat boots? Your computer fixed? Some
armor polish? A restaurant?"
"A restaurant? Hmm... Sometimes
I wish I had one of those,"
A.S.K. said. The Goddess looked VERY relieved as energy poured
through her, rewriting reality to a small extent. A new door
appeared on a wall.
"Wish granted," she said.
"You now sometimes have a
restaurant. Goodbye." She stepped into the puddle of hot water
"*Sometimes* have a restaurant?"
he asked rhetorically.
[The base is currently not
where it was before,] the computer
"Oh, gee, that helps," A.S.K.
said sarcastically. "Can you
be a bit more specific?"
[The base is now on Earth,
underground, connected to a
restaurant via turbolift. Latitude-]
"Okay, that'll be fine,"
A.S.K. said. <Anybody in here know
how to cook?>
There was silence in A.S.K.'s
head for once. Someone finally
spoke up. <Yup, over here. Short order cook, level 47. I can make
anything as long as it's got SPAM in it.>
<Excellent,> A.S.K. thought.
<By the way, how did that joke
we played on Tuxedo Mask work out?>
<Checking... All of the
energy designated for that was
drained,> A.S.K. replied, then asked, <By who?!>
general... Looks like Nephrite
got all of the energy you decided to waste on that.>
<He stole my pseudo Jusenkyo
curse?!> A.S.K. thought,
annoyed that Tuxedo Mask wasn't hit.
<Oh well,> A.S.K. thought,
shrugging. He walked to the
turbolift to find out about his new restaurant.
Nephrite, still battered
and bruised, appeared in Queen
Beryl's throne room.
"Do I sense a recurring theme here, 'Neflyte'?" Zoicite asked.
"No, Zoicite, I DO NOT intend
to end up like Jadeite,"
Nephrite said. "And stop calling me 'Neflyte!'"
"Neflyte, your 'wonderful'
plan has failed so miserably that
perhaps I *should* just imprison you in a cold, crystal tomb and
get it over with," Beryl said. Zoicite nodded vigorously.
"No, Queen Beryl, you should
not. I have acquired a large
amount of energy for you," Nephrite said, raising his working hand.
A ball of energy appeared. Beryl smiled and took it.
"Excellent, Neflyte, this
will greatly strengthen the
Negaforce in times to come," Beryl said. "However, I sense that
there is some extra energy that is not leaving you."
"What 'extra energy'?" Nephrite asked, not having sensed it.
"Oh, just forget it, Neflyte,"
Beryl said, waving him off.
Nephrite nodded and turned to walk out. As he neared the door, a
bucket of water fell on him.
"Zoicite!!!" Nephrite-chan said angrily.
"It wasn't me!" Zoicite said, laughing hysterically.
The Lovely Angel returned
to 3WA headquarters. Another of
Zen's upgrades kicked in and the Lovely Angel locked a tractor
beam onto the SDF-1. Greatly surprising everyone on deck, the
Lovely Angel dragged the gigantic battle-fortress out of the
parking space, and landed.
A few minutes later, Kei,
Yuri, and Zen were back inside.
Zen was back in his male form.
"Zen, you did great out there!" Kei said.
"Zen must not be stopped
from his writing," Zen said, a
sense of single-minded determination radiating from him.
"Zen, what's that on your
neck?" Yuri asked, seeing a small,
metal object affixed to the base of his skull.
"Zen does not have anything
on his neck," Zen said. Yuri
effortlessly pulled off the object. A noticeable change in demeanor
occurred in Zen.
"Not even this?" Yuri asked. Zen looked confused.
"What about that?" Zen asked.
Kei took a look at the object
and sighed. "Neural stimulator,
probably sent by one of your friends back at the FFML to speed up
"W... what work?" Zen said, clearly not remembering much.
"I think it was 'The Long
and Winding Road,' or something."
Yuri said. "You finished it, I think."
"Zen finished it?" Zen asked hopefully.
"But the computer deleted
the whole thing," Kei added. "Oh,
come on! You can put it back down. After all, you did write it."
"Zen... does not remember
finishing it." Zen said, hopes
diminishing. "The CC deleted it?!" Kei nodded.
"The CC deleted all of Zen's
work..." Zen contemplated.
&&&[End Chapter 7]
<Scene of Lina, Gourry, and Amelia devouring several cake-based lifeforms>
"Today, we learned a whole lot. At least, the ones that were LISTENING
<Scene of Terra fighting Ryoko>
"First of all..."
<Scene of a SD-Kawaii-A.S.K.>
<Scene of a sayajin's teeth shattering>
"Cute is **DEADLY**!!!"
<Scene of an ultra-cute, fluffy-pink-haired Vegita, ready for battle>
<Scene of aliens turning people into Scotsmen>
"Aliens are MUCH weirder than you can possibly imagine..."
<Scene of Ail and Anne taking care of their tree>
<Scene of Zen talking to the Lovely Angels>
"And probably the most important thing..."
<Scene of Zen greatly frightening the Lovely Angels>
"DON'T ERASE ZEN'S WORK!!!"
<Scene of bulky starships getting destroyed by the Lovely Angel>
<Scene of Mina accidentally blowing up a stereo system>
"Sailor Nuke sez. BWAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!!!!"