Far across the sands of time,
through the gate and back
again, the Official Keeper of Time, the temporal know-it-all of
temporal know-it-alls, Sailor Pluto, was still puzzling over the
great questions of the ages...
Why are we here?
What is the sound of one hand clapping?
If a tree falls in the forest
with nothing around to hear
it, does it make a sound?
And last but foremost on her mind...
"WHY DO I STILL HAVE THIS BLASTED HEADACHE?!?!!?!?!?"
This particular migraine
had popped up sometime during the late
twentieth century, as it was common for events of this magnitude.
Speaking of high-magnitude
events, three of the top ten signs
that the universe is doomed to destruction involve Sailor Pluto.
Number Seven: Sailor Pluto
jumps through a time gate with
the words, "So long, suckers!"
Number Five: Sailor Pluto has a REALLY bad migraine.
Number One: Sailor Pluto
is curled up in the corner of a
room muttering, "We're all going to die! We're all going to die!"
The fifth thing, not being
the worst thing, but nevertheless
on the top ten, was certainly a sign of what most sentient
lifeforms would call "Bad Things!"
The "Bad Thing!" in question
had already passed and disaster
had been narrowly averted through the clever thinking of certain
very powerful individuals... not to mention a great amount of sheer
luck and dramatic necessity... but that didn't mean that Sailor Pluto
was about to let the cause of the event go unrewarded. She had to
get the message across that mucking up the Whole Scheme of Things(TM)
was not an acceptable form of free speech.
"On behalf of the timeline,
I'll punish them!" Sailor Pluto
shouted militantly. She then shook her head. "I've been hanging
around Sailor Moon too much..."
Another list, "The Top Ten
Worst Mistakes of Your Miserable
Existence," tells of some of the worst foul-ups in the history of
life-kind. This list also tells you what will happen if you decide
to do the listed mistake, and what to go and do with yourself after
you did it.
Number three, for example,
is getting Sailor Pluto angry.
Unfortunately, in order to maintain the PG-13 rating, we were forced
to omit the explanation of what will happen if you do.
The list does, however, give
you a simple process to follow
after you have done so:
Step one: Place your head between your legs.
Step two: Kiss your rear goodbye.
Suffice it to say that getting
the Guardian of the Gate of
Time angry was not a wise thing to do. The list's afterward goes
on to state that if you wish to annoy Sailor Pluto, you should:
"Forget it! Unless you happen
to be a nine billion year old
entity with the power to decimate entire galaxies with a flick of
your wrist, you don't stand a chance. I'd like to say that it's
been nice knowing you, but, quite frankly, it hasn't."
Needless to say, after reading
these fascinating articles,
many did just what the lists told them they shouldn't. Soon after
they did, they were asked if they would do the same thing again.
99 percent said "NO WAY!!"
.5 percent said, "Yes."
.4 percent said, "Huh?"
.1 percent said, "I would very much like a piece of cheese."
Back on the subject of "Top
Ten" lists, number eight on the
"Top Ten Ways to Get Sailor Pluto Mad at You," was to give Sailor
Pluto a migraine. (Number nine was a Pink Sugar Heart Attack.)
The final suggestion these
many helpful guides gave was:
Meanwhile, as this discussion
was going on throughout the
various time streams, Sailor Pluto had just devised exactly what
she would do to the one who had caused the temporal elimination
paradox, thereby causing the headache. Pacing around, she blurted
out the first thing she was going to do to the individual.
"Someone's gonna die!!!"
Sailor Pluto steamed, cracking her
knuckles. She had just uncovered a former timeline; one that had
been recklessly destroyed by one Atomic Starlight Knight.
The one who had caused the
destruction of the alternate
timeline had experienced some friction between himself and Sailor
Pluto in the past, and had a few ways of keeping himself hidden, to
a certain extent. It was a "Continued Existence" sort of thing.
However, if Sailor Pluto *really* wanted to, she could find him.
So, if she did come looking for him, it was a safe bet that it
wasn't just to come and say hello.
Focusing, Sailor Pluto searched,
but kept running into
"blocks." Those shouldn't be possible, but there they were,
keeping her from seeing anything about the timestream they were
"Ah, so Reenie WAS a mistake,"
Sailor Pluto whispered to
herself, seeing what the blocked areas had affected.
Focusing harder, she smashed
past the barriers, finding out
whatever she could.
The barriers slammed closed once more.
Sailor Pluto smiled mysteriously.
She had found out all she
needed to know, and had devised several more methods of torture
to employ upon her target.
She would get her message across.
<Did you just feel something?>
<Sounded like a spleen...>
<Oh, just stop that! I need to concentrate!>
Atomic Starlight Knight was
testing out a "Secret Identity."
All the greats had one. Superman, Batman, Green Lantern, the
Sailor Senshi, the Knight Sabers, everyone. His secret identity was
a tad different but operated on much the same principle. The main
difference was that he WAS the Atomic Starlight Knight, while the
identity was the fake one. He only needed to come up with the
"Disguise Power, change me
into a mild mannered newspaper
reporter!" A.S.K. said magnificently, activating his knowledge
of the Luna Pen, along with modifications that he had hoped would
Unfortunately, the disguise magic malfunctioned.
The pigtailed red-head found
herself spluttering and
coughing out water in the canal she had just blown herself into.
<They told me they fixed it!>
<Um, I'm sorry->
<I trusted them!> She pounded on her head.
<It's not my fault!>
"That's the third time this week!" She yelled at herself.
<I'm sorry, I'm sorry!>
<No you're not!>
<You're right! So whatcha gonna do about it? Huh? huh?>
<Grrrr... MENTAL BOOT TO THE HEAD!>
*WHACK!* She got thrown against the wall of the canal.
<OW! Well, stop this if
you can! Pink Sug-HEY! What's
that?!> She thought, starting to climb out.
The internal war was cut
short as a green haired woman
in a black-skirted Sailor Senshi uniform, carrying a large staff,
suddenly appeared. Her facial expression was one of... extreme
The girl in the canal gasped in terror.
<The fuzz! Engage all
temporal blocks! Turn on the nice act!
Stand up straight! [Form Appropriate:YES] Activate "cute eyes"->
Sailor Pluto glanced around,
taking on a puzzled look. She
caught sight of the girl splashing around in the nearby waterway.
"Um, excuse me, young lady?"
<I am NOT a girl!>
<Shut up! At present,
you are, now stop coughing up water
and ACT LIKE IT!!!!>
<-Secure all animals to the zoo->
"Hello?" Sailor Pluto said,
waving a hand in front of the
<-Now make like a cute little bipedal hominid and respond!>
<Unless, of course, you
wish to end up EXACTLY LIKE THOSE
YOUMA YOU DUSTED!!!>
"Oh, hello, Miss!" She said
brightly. "Can I help you with
Sailor Pluto shrugged and
held out a hand. "It looks like
you're the one who needs some help," she said, helping her out of
the canal. This act didn't have that much to do with protecting the
timeline, but hey, why not be nice?
During this, the girl was
inwardly shaking and was
misinterpreting that last sentence as badly as one possibly could.
<She's finally gonna blast me this time!>
<Calm down... Pixie dust,
Pixie dust.> She started to calm
<I'M THE LEPRECHAN! DON'T
TRY AND STEAL ME POT O' GOLD!!!>
She let out a yelp.
"What's wrong?" Sailor Pluto asked, concerned.
"Um, nothing... Just a slight
bruise," she said, rubbing her
<Slight bruise?! Is that the best you can come up with?>
Sailor Pluto kept wondering
why the one she was looking for
wasn't here. She was still being blocked somehow, too. If the one
she was looking for wasn't here... then why was she here?!
Under normal circumstances,
Sailor Pluto would have this
entire thing figured out in, quite literally, no time at all. But
considering that a really powerful migraine, as those who have
suffered from one can tell you, can have roughly the same effect on
one's mental capabilities as a complete frontal lobotomy, she was
having a little trouble.
"Too bad," Sailor Pluto said,
mind somewhere else. She once
more focused on the girl. "By the way, have you seen this person?"
The green-haired Sailor Senshi held up a picture of the Atomic
Starlight Knight. The girl gasped.
"I see you have," Sailor
Pluto said mysteriously, interpreting
her reaction. "Where can I find him?"
<Um, quick, eat this bucket
of lard!> She thought, taking
out a bucket. She began to chug the contents.
<Swallow, man, SWALLOW!!!>
Sailor Pluto raised an eyebrow.
The girl smacked herself and
dropped the bucket.
<What was that?!>
<Um, a diversion?>
<Last time I ever listen to you!>
"Allow me to repeat myself: Where is he?"
The girl looked from side
to side, took out a scrap of
paper [Not waterlogged, mind you!] and scribbled an address on
it. She then handed it to Sailor Pluto and ran off. Sailor Pluto
gave half a smile and read the address.
"Japan... Hmm... a Tokyo suburb..."
"Neflyte, tell me your plans," Queen Beryl said.
"Unlike the former general,
I do not need to harvest energy
from large amounts of people to achieve our goals," Nephrite said.
He had managed to totally shrug off the horrendously poor name
"What will you do, then?" Beryl asked.
"At any given time, there
are certain humans that reach
their peak energy level. I will ask the stars to find out who and
Zoicite appeared with an
annoying laugh. "Hey, 'Neflyte,'
betcha that you'll mess up like Jadeite!"
Nephrite rolled his eyes.
"Yeah, yeah, Zoicite. We've heard
it." He teleported away.
"Zoicite, don't worry. If
he fouls up, you can take over,"
"Okay, Queen Beryl," Zoicite
said, then mumbled, "At least
she gets MY name right..."
"The stars know everything..."
Nephrite said, focusing. He
was in his star-house/cathedral/place. "Show me the human whose
energy is approaching its peak."
The star view faded to show
a young woman dressed for
"Molly, I didn't know you
had a world champion tennis
player in the family!" Serena said.
"Neither did I," Molly replied, confused.
"Um, I think she's just a
good tennis player," Terra said
"Oh yeah... But she sure plays like one," Serena said.
The tennis player in question
was, in fact, playing really
quite well. Therefore, the above people were making accurate
observations. However, the next observation that Serena made, was
wrong, by nearly every possible definition.
"AAH! A snake!" Serena said, jumping up.
"'Ey, I'm not a snake!" the
ArbyFish said indignantly,
fluttering up from the grass.
"Shhh! Quiet!" Serena said
to Arby, attempting to grab
Arby to keep him down. He fluttered out of reach.
"WHAT'S THAT?!" Molly asked, shocked and horrified.
"I'm an ArbyFish!" Arby said
proudly, fluttering in the air
"IT'S TALKING TO ME?! AAAAAH!" Molly started to back off.
"It's uh, um..." Serena began uneasily.
"It's a rare... East African..." Terra continued.
"ArbyFish! I'm a rare East
African ArbyFish. Never find
another one loike me!" Arby said.
"Nor would you want to," Luna mumbled.
"Did your cat just talk?!"
Molly asked, going deeper into
shock. Luna winced at her mistake.
"Umm... NO! No. My cat didn't
talk. You're just imagining
things, right?" Serena said quickly.
"Right," Terra and Arby said in unison.
"And for the record, I am not a snake," Arby said.
"You do laugh like one, though," Terra noted.
"Could be, could be... but
I do not look like a snake!" Arby
"Well, you were down in the
grass, and you're green," Serena
"True, true... But 'ave a
mushroom anyway!" Arby said,
tossing a mushroom. Terra caught it.
"Stuffed mushroom. Well prepared,
too. You're improving,"
Terra said nicely. Arby smiled. Molly stared incredulously.
"Ya got two minutes to get
ta class," Arby said. Serena
looked at her watch and confirmed this.
"AAH! You're righ-" Serena
was cut off as she was taken
by the arm by a running Terra.
Arby, holding up a radar-gun, clocked the speed.
"Not bad. She's takin' it slow today..."
"W...what's going on?!" Molly
asked, reaching the pinnacle
"You're prob'ly wonderin'
what's really going on," Arby
said. Molly nodded. Luna was groaning, shaking her head. Arby
swooped and slapped some sunglasses on Luna and himself.
"Well, all your questions
will be answered," Arby said,
"if you'll please look at this." He fumbled around with a small
cylinder (well, small being half his body length).
"What's that? And you still
haven't really told me what you
are!" Molly said.
"I'm just a pigment of ya
imaginat'n. Green," Arby said,
causing the cylinder to extend. Molly looked at the cylinder.
A green light blinked. Molly
stood there with a blank
expression on her face. Arby and Luna hid. The reddish-brown haired
girl shook herself out of the trance, looked at her watch in shock,
and ran off toward class.
"You really have to stop
popping up like that! You're going
to give her... brain cancer or something!" Luna said to Arby.
"Oh, but I like to!" Arby said pleadingly.
Luna shook her head and sighed. "That's NOT a good thing."
"Oh, well, that would be different, then, wouldn'nit?"
<Here it is,> Sailor Pluto
thought, arriving at the
specified address. <Might as well knock.>
The Guardian of the Gate of Time knocked mysteriously.
A woman with a smile on her
face answered. "Hello!" she said
happily, "How may I help you?"
"I'm looking for this person,"
Sailor Pluto said, showing
The woman looked at it. "You
know, that sort of looks like...
He's in the dojo," she said happily.
"Thank you," Sailor Pluto
said, and began walking toward
A certain hyper-powered martial
artist we all know and
love/hate was practicing in the family dojo.
At least, he was until some
crazed, green-haired girl in an
abbreviated sailor suit burst through the door.
Crazed people blasting through
things was common in this
young man's life, as were people shouting out odd phrases before
doing the blasting.
"DEAD SCREAM!!" the sailor-suited woman shouted.
The young man didn't have
a clue what this was about, but
he was absolutely sure that his pop had something to do with it.
This was going to be just one of those days...
"Why? Why? Why?!" Atomic
Starlight Knight said, trying to
find a better way to block out Sailor Pluto's temporal sweeps.
<I don't know! There's
just something about the current
method that will not let her ignore me!>
<You don't think she found out about that->
<No. That was too well
hidden. Instant Jusenkyo water cannot
be detected through temporal sweeps.>
<Are you sure she wants to blast you?>
<Quite. What I really
need to know is how to stop her from
following me. The inner temporal blocks are secure, so she doesn't
know about the "Big Scary Monster" thing yet. She keeps trying to
punch through, though!>
<What do I do, then?>
<Try and find a more subtle
way to block it. And while
you're at it, FIX THAT DANG TRANSFORMATION MAGIC!>
A.S.K. still had not rectified
that little bug. A cute
little pigtailed redhead was still the visible image.
<Um... This one's going to take a while.>
<Seven and a half->
<Not till next week?!>
<No! No. About seven hours.> A.S.K. was relieved.
<Okay, I'll go.. play some tennis or something until then.>
<But I want to blow something up!>
Nephrite had arrived on Earth,
set himself up with a house,
a car, and a name. Now was the time to do his evil-nasty-badness!
He saw his target, a brown-haired tennis player.
Now to get down to business.
*BAM!* He rammed into his target... and someone else.
"Ouch. Oh, I'm sorry, let
me help you," Nephrite said,
concentrating, putting an evil-dark mark on the racket. [Aw, I'll
just type it how it sounds...]
"May the holder of this become
a servant of evil!" Nephrite
said to himself, finishing the job. "Here you go."
"Uh, thanks," the pigtailed redhead said, taking the racket.
"Wrong one!" Nephrite realized, grabbing the other racket.
"Hey!" the tennis player said.
"May the holder of this become
a servant of evil!" Nephrite
The evil-dark mark wasn't appearing.
"Mister, can I please have my racket back?"
"Just a second!" Nephrite said, concentrating harder.
"Wait, wait!" Nephrite said,
taking out a felt-tip pen,
drawing in the mark. As soon as he finished, the girl snatched the
*WHACK!* -and bonked him on the head with it.
"WAAH!" Nephrite said, holding his head.
"You've been practicing!"
Another girl said from the
Nephrite stormed off.
Sailor Pluto was wondering
where her target had run off to.
After blasting him once, which he had amazingly survived, he had
run off, muttering about asking "the old ghoul" for a counter
technique. She still couldn't break through some of the other
temporal barriers that he had set up.
<Ah, there he is!>
"Dead Scream," Sailor Pluto
whispered calmly. The young man
didn't seem to be frightened.
"Hiruu Shoten Ha!" He said,
circling around, driving Sailor
Pluto's energy back at her, creating a whirlwind.
"Stop!" Sailor Pluto ordered
her energy. The whirlwind
subsided. One of the useful things about Senshi attacks is that
you can tell them to stop if you had to.
Still, Sailor Pluto was surprised. She hated being surprised.
Pluto was a small planet,
but an extremely important one. It
held, among other things, the Time Gate. The Time Gate was the
singular most important discovery in temporal physics of the
Silver Millennium. With the Gate, one could reach any point in
history, or could go into the future.
It was a very useful tool,
actually, if you wanted to go
and destroy the universe with a temporal shockwave. Luckily, when
it was discovered, a Senshi was put in place, devoted exclusively
to guarding it. Can't have people going and destroying the
universe... It just wouldn't be proper.
It was also useful in other
ways. For example, if used
properly, it could also tell you anything and everything you wanted
to know about the timeline, and allowed you to change it.
And so it came as a great
surprise to Sailor Pluto when
a surprise attack began on the planet, in accordance with the laws
of unpredictability. (Which are, of course, close cousins to the
laws of improbability.)
**VRZZT** *BLAM!* Sailor
Pluto snapped fully awake. Okay,
well, *half* awake.
"What was that?!" she asked groggily.
As soon as she asked the question, she knew the answer.
"A surprise attack? By who?"
Again, she knew the answers to all these.
"'Big Scary Monster?!' Why wasn't I informed?"
She was informed.
"Oh. But why on the EXACT
night I decide to go to sleep for
She knew the answer to that, also.
The attacker was a monster.
Well, monster being a tremendously
enormous understatement. This particular beastie had destroyed
countless civilizations, decimated entire galaxies, and had JUST
BREACHED THE OUTER DEFENSES!!!
Sailor Pluto sprang into
action, leaping out of bed,
speeding toward the guest quarters, and attempting to awaken the
two visiting Outer Senshi.
"WAKE UP!!" Sailor Pluto said urgently.
"Wha...?" came a sleepy answer.
"If you want to keep this planet from being destroyed, GET UP!"
There was some mumbling and
grumbling, but the door finally
"Good, now hurry!"
Rushing to a point where
they could view the attacker, they
saw what it was. Sailor Pluto already knew exactly what it was and
what it wanted. Sailors Neptune and Uranus [Let's forego all the
pronunciation jokes, okay? Okay.] didn't have a clue what was
"What's going on?" Sailor Neptune asked sleepily.
"See that?" Sailor Pluto
asked, pointing at a rather large
dark creature slashing at things, tossing energy blasts, and
making loud screeching noises.
"Yeah," Sailor Uranus said.
"In twenty seconds, it is
going to be attacking the Time
Gate," Sailor Pluto said, "and we have to try to stop it."
"Doesn't look too tough," Sailor Uranus said.
"Um, yes it does..." Sailor Neptune said.
"Alright, fine, so let's
destroy it so we can go back to
bed," Sailor Uranus said.
They moved into attack position.
"Ready, aim..." A voice with
an odd accent said. Sailor
Pluto glanced up.
"Move back three feet, please,"
Sailor Pluto said to the
other Senshi. They did so.
"PORRIDGE!!!!" The voice
shouted. Instantly, huge quantities
of a soup-like substance poured upon the creature, knocking it down.
"Come on, put your backs into it, lads, now! Porridge!" The stream
of porridge swept down, barely missing the Senshi. The beast
slowly regained its footing.
"How did you know that was
going to be happening?!" Sailor
"Magic," Sailor Pluto said.
"Okay, actually, Arby has been
advertising his Mushroom Porridge drop for weeks."
"Okay, it's distracted, so... DEEP SUBMERGE!!"
The three Senshi's attacks
fell upon the distracted creature,
making a nice loud impact and causing the creature to squeal loudly.
It turned around and glared angrily at them.
"Growlf," it said simply.
As the Senshi wasted a few
precious seconds interpreting it, the creature unleashed attacks
that duplicated the ones the Senshi used.
They were duplicates except
for the fact that they were
increased in amplitude by a factor of twenty. The monster,
satisfied at its work, flew back to its starship, which was
engaged in the meaningless decimation of the planetary surface.
The ship departed.
"I... (cough) thought that
you were supposed to be able to
predict these things," Sailor Neptune said, coughing out a small
puff of black smoke.
"I am," Sailor Pluto said, completely unscathed.
"Then... why did you let us attack it?!" Sailor Uranus asked.
"It wasn't after the Time
Gate, it was after *us*. Once it
blasted us, it left."
"So we're done here?"
"Yes," Sailor Pluto replied.
Sailors Neptune and Uranus collapsed.
Yeah, there had always been
surprises, but she had always
been able to come up with the correct response. But now? She was
still being blocked!
"Still fighting?" The pigtailed martial artist asked.
Sailor Pluto gritted her
teeth and nodded. As was custom for
sailor-suited warriors, she decided to make a speech. She didn't
normally do speeches, but this was a very special case.
Unfortunately, that headache was making a proper speech a mite
difficult to say.
"Foul cur! Thou wilt relinquish
thy control on the timeline
immediately or face my wrath! For I am Sailor Pluto, green haired
key holder of the space-time continuum!" Sailor Pluto forced out.
Lightning flashed behind her.
The young man raised an eyebrow.
"Yeah, smash THIS ball into
your court! Sonic Tennis Ball
SLAM!!" A.S.K. said, still not having resolved the disguise
"HAHAHA! Weakling! You cannot
defeat ME!!" The other person
said, smashing the ball back at an incredible velocity, hitting
A.S.K. squarely on the nose.
"AOUCH!!!" A.S.K. said, rubbing his/her/its nose.
<Alright, WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?!?!?!>
<Remember that guy that wouldn't let go of the racket?>
<That was Nephrite.>
<But if that was Nephrite,
then what would he want with a
<Hmmm... Oh yeah, he must've
drawn in an evil-dark mark or
<Oh, look! There's a mark on your racket, too!>
<But that would mean that->
[Nephrite: Energy level approaching its peak..]
"Grhaha..." A.S.K. said maniacally.
"Help me...Help me..." A.S.K. said weakly to side people.
"Shut up, you fool! This
body is mine now! HAHAHA!" A.S.K.
<That goes a long way
toward explaining the increased
"Shut up!" Possessed Starlight
Knight said, smashing the
end of the racket on their head with a *Whack!*
<Hey! I ain't gonna just
sit down and take it! NUCLEAR
MENTAL BOOT TO THE HEAD!>
*SMACK!* P.S.K. went sprawling against the court.
"You're not getting out of
it THAT easily!" P.S.K. said,
tearing out a metal support beam and-
*WONG!* -whacking themselves upside the head.
<Ow! Try this one on for size! DEEP PERSONALITY SUBMERGE!!>
Nephrite watched the scene
in half amusement and half
confusion, wondering why the redhead was so close to an energy
peak while still not quite hitting it. It also didn't make any
sense why the youma possessing that one would be attacking itself.
But that really didn't matter.
She had somehow just managed
to blast herself off the court. He didn't see where she went.
The one he was keeping his eye on was steadily reaching their
energy peak. Not very long now.
*Ring* Like the wretched
creatures from some deranged
behavioral experiment, the students stood and left the classrooms.
"The Bells, the Bells! Sanctuary, Sanctuary!"
"Um, what are you doing, Terra?" Serena asked.
"She's quotin' th' 'unchback a' Notr' Dame," Arby said.
"Okay..." Serena said.
"So what are you going to do today?" Terra asked nicely.
"Try to take over the world!!" Arby said.
"What was that?" Serena asked.
"Alta'nate dimension people.
They think they're writin'
stories!" Arby said playfully.
Lavender mists swirled...
"But some of us know what's
really going on," the man in
purple, who had just appeared, said.
Lavender mists swirled once again...
Serena blinked as the man disappeared. o_O
"Uh-huh... Well, whatever.
I'm going back to watch the
tennis players," Serena said.
"See you later," Terra said cheerfully.
Upon arriving at the tennis
courts, Serena was greeted by
a strange sight. One of the players was acting extremely violent.
That in and of itself wouldn't be that unusual, but the fact that
the tennis balls she was returning were denting the concrete made
her a little difficult to ignore.
[Nephrite: Energy is at its peak!]
The black aura and youma
popping out to drain energy was
also a pretty good clue that something was wrong.
"Moon Prism Power!" Serena shouted.
One drawn out transformation
later, Sailor Moon was ready
to make a speech.
"I am Sailor Moon, Champion
of Justice! Tennis is a game for
playing and exercise! Taking the energy of a wonderful player is
unforgivable! On behalf of the Moon (Bonk) Hey! You're supposed to
let me finish!" Sailor Moon said, dodging tennis balls.
"Don't worry! You'll be finished
when I'm through with
you!!" The youma said.
"This isn't dodge ball!" Serena whined, dodging.
"Take THIS!" Possessed Starlight
Knight said, smashing their
head against a brick wall.
"ACK! Oh, is that the best
you can do? ATOMIC SUCKER PUNCH!"
"AAH! You're going to pay
for that!" P.S.K. said, picking
up a two by four and- *WHACK* -breaking it over their head.
<So, any progress on that
disguise magic?> Atomic Starlight
Knight asked calmly.
"Shut up!" P.S.K. said, hitting
themselves as hard as they
could with their fists.
<Yes, but it'll be well in due in an hour.>
"Quiet! Stop usurping my
controls!" P.S.K. said, trying to
strangle themselves with their right arm.
"URK-Never. I will never
submit!" A.S.K. said, gaining
control of the left arm, pulling the right arm away from their
<So, who's for tea?>
<But I want to blow something up!>
"SHUT UP, SHUT UP, EVERYONE
JUST SHUT UP!!!!!" P.S.K.
yelled, picking up a big rock and- *CRUSH!* - crushing it on
"Um, what are you doing?" a man asked, walking by.
"No, I'm winning!"
"NO, I AM!!!"
The man blinked, shrugged, and continued on his way.
"STOP IT! YOU'RE SCARING THE CHILDREN!"
"No I'm not."
"WAIT... I SENSE A WEAKNESS!"
<AHA! I CAN DEFEAT YOU
FROM THE *INSIDE* OF THE MIND!!
"Guess again," A.S.K. said.
"What?!" P.S.K. asked.
<You just don't learn, do you? PINK SUGAR BRAIN HEMORRHAGE!!>
<YOUR MIND IS NO MATCH FOR MINE, PANSY!!> P.S.K. thought.
<What did you just call me?> A.S.K. thought.
<I JUST CALLED YOU A LITTLE
WEAKLING *PANSY*!!> P.S.K.
<Grrrrrr. I'll show you
*pansy*.> A.S.K. thought and added,
<Uh oh. You shouldn't have done that.>
<DONE WHAT, YOU PIDDLING SYCOPHANT!?!> P.S.K. thought.
<Do we have a transformation
sequence on file?> A.S.K.
<WHAT?! NO, YOU FOOL!!
YOU WOULDN'T-> P.S.K. thought,
<Sure do. And, yes, I would,> A.S.K. thought.
"Stylin' Fashion Power, Make-up!" A.S.K. said vacuously.
Sailor Moon was still doing
her dodge and panic routine when
she was finally hit by an attack.
"MFFF!" Sailor Moon said, encased in a huge tennis ball.
"Gotcha!" The youma said.
There was a red flash and
a rose imbedded itself in the
"Believe in yourself, and
you can do anything!" Tuxedo Mask
"MFFDUFFDUF!" Sailor Moon said from inside the tennis ball.
"I see," Tuxedo Mask said.
He then whipped out his handy-
dandy cane and whacked the youma. The tennis ball dissolved.
"Thank you Starl- Tuxedo
Mask?!" Sailor Moon said in
"You're welcome!" Tuxedo
Mask said, glancing around for
The youma began to recover.
"Hey! That was a cheap shot!" it
"Stylin' Pink Bows, Wrap!" a cutesy voice called out.
Pink bows came and neatly
wrapped the youma. It fell over
with a thunk.
"I'm the cute and fluffy
Oneshot Senshi Sailor Stylin'! I
fight for Beauty and Fashion! And on behalf of models everywhere,
I'll punish you!" a girl said, posing cutely.
"Ergh! Must... get... insulin..."
The youma said, not being
able to tolerate the appearance of the new Scout. It started to
slowly break out of the bows in a last ditch attempt to get away
and find something to help ease the sugar overload.
"Might as well finish the job..." Tuxedo Mask said.
"Moon Tiara Magic!" Sailor Moon said. Poof. Youma dust.
"Mars Fire, IG- Oh, you're
done," Sailor Mars said, rushing
in with Sailors Earth and Mercury.
"And, remember, wherever
there are people in need of a good
interior decorator, I'll be there!" Sailor Stylin' said, saluting.
She then took a bow and left mysteriously.
"Who was that?" Sailor Mercury asked.
"I don't know. 'Sailor Stylin'
or something," Sailor Moon
said. "Maybe we'll see her again."
Luckily, they never did.
"I love you! You love me!
We're a happy family!" Atomic
Starlight Knight, still in Sailor Stylin' appearance, recited.
<MAKE IT STOP!! FOR THE
LOVE OF ALL THAT IS TOLERABLE, MAKE
THE HURTING STOP!!!> Possessed Starlight Knight thought desperately.
<Not until I recite the
entire scripts for Barney and
Friends three more times!> A.S.K. thought defiantly.
<Come on! Just let the
poor thing die!> A.S.K. thought,
opening a mental exit.
"AAAAHHH!" the youma that
was doing the possession screamed
as it left A.S.K., disappearing.
<Aw, and I was going to
mentally review every "My Little
Pony" episode ever made, too.>
<That was... far too cruel
for words,> A.S.K. thought,
<Yeah, it was, wasn't it?>
<I'm going to be down
for weeks if this keeps up! I know
I had to 'sugar' it out, but that was WAAAAY too much. Why?!>
<I can't stand anybody
messing with my mind. That's MY
job, and nobody else's.>
<Oh, alrighty, then. Status
report! How much damage did
that little recital and the head banging cause?>
<Warp drive-er... TELEPORTATION
offline. Half the
personalities have been rendered unconscious, hull breaches- um...
I mean... minor skull fractures... Diagnosis: That hurt, captain!>
One of the few conscious personalities thought.
<Whoa... I did take a lot of hits, didn't I?>
<Most of the damage was from... the Barney recital, actually.>
<Even the skull fractures?!>
<Oh, well, some of them were from the beating...>
<Ugh... If I ever try
anything like that again... just blast
me! Is there any good news to report?>
<We just got the temporal
barriers fixed. Sailor Pluto
shouldn't be out to kill me anymore.>
<That's wonderful! But...
how much longer do I have to stay
like this?> A.S.K. thought, looking down at the horrible cuteness
that had been used to scare out the youma.
<Och, lassie-Er... laddie! We just got the problem fixed!>
"FINALLY!" Atomic Starlight
Knight said joyfully, returning
to his old self and familiar green armor.
<I think we'd better just
forget messing around with that
particular energy for now. Just stick with invisibility, and
I'll be okay from now on.>
A general agreement was heard
throughout A.S.K.'s head,
before it started replaying the old themes from that Disaster
Area concert he held on Pluto some time back. The extra internal
noise reminded A.S.K. exactly how much his head hurt from the
continual banging around today.
The youma teleported to the
Negaverse, right in front of
Nephrite. Recognizing the youma that he had called for the first
possession, Nephrite knelt down and looked it in the eye.
"What happened?" He asked.
"Oh, kiptin! It vas terrible!"
The youma said before
collapsing into sobs.
"Well, Neflyte, it seems
that your plans have flaws in them
as well," Queen Beryl said.
Suddenly, the massive headache
that Sailor Pluto had been
afflicted with vanished.
"YES!" Sailor Pluto said, hugging the nearest person.
"Um..." the pigtailed youth began uneasily.
"I feel great! The headache
is gone and-" Sailor Pluto
began happily, not noticing a certain black-haired girl getting
Soon, Sailor Pluto found herself sailing over the horizon.
That was when she realized
that through this entire trip,
she had been going after the wrong person for the wrong reasons.
She was rather annoyed at
being sent on this wild horse
chase, being defeated in combat, and finally getting engaged
(through a process that was impossible for even her to fully
understand) to that martial artist!
<He's a dangerous one...>
Sailor Pluto thought, examining
the now easily-to-view record of A.S.K.
<I'll have to keep a closer
eye on him from... now on,> she
considered, designating the proper position on the timeline. Then,
all she had to do was let him know that she was watching, and for
the good of the timeline: beat him to a quivering pulp.
"Ah, the wonders of frozen
liquid!" Atomic Starlight Knight
said, holding an icepack to his head.
<Now, everyone, quiet!>
For once, his mind was calm, in a nice, soothing repair state.
At least, until he felt a familiar presence-
-and several whacks to his ailing head.
said angrily, banging the Time Staff against A.S.K. She then
<What... was... that?>
<Can't think... drain... bamage.....>
<I... sent her to... that one dojo in Nerima.>
<Starlight... no... baka...>
*Thunk* Atomic Starlight Knight collapsed to the ground.
&&&[End Chapter 6.]
<Scene of Umino and Naru pro-wrestling>
"Today, we learned something important."
<Scene of an aggrivated Meiou Setsuna>
"If you give time guardians a headache..."
<Scene of Sailor Pluto hunting down A.S.K.>
"Get ready for some pain!!!"
<Scene of Sailor Pluto beating the holy hell out of A.S.K. with her staff>
<Scene of Chibi-Usa>
"So, if you feel like defying destiny, and you know we all do sometimes...
Be prepared for the consequences."
<Scene of Sailor Pluto glomping Ranma>
"Sailor Nuke sez. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!"