Laughter of the Gods, Goddamn Them.
By Harrison, C (CMHARRIS@glam.ac.uk)
The characters in this are mine. Later on, characters that aren't will
appear- probably about chapter 3.
OH! Toltiir is owned by Gregg Sharp, and Urd is owned by Kosuke
Sorry 'bout that.
I'd just like to say that this is probably the second stupidest idea
I've ever had.
It has been said that those whom the Gods want to destroy, they first
This is not true.
It is only those whom the Gods want to have a little fun with
that they drive insane. Purely because being omnipotentish beings, they
have an overinflated opinion of human tolerances.
This is my story. Be careful
what you wish for; you may just get
In short never say ANYTHING.
Sleepless Night productions
The Laughter of the
Gods, Goddamn them.
Lying awake, one night, I
read again through my collection of 'Tenchi
Muyo!' Fics and the manga. A thought occurred to me, and, probably due
to my vaguely inebbriated state, I actually voiced it.
"I wish I had a girlfriend like Ryoko."
Unknown to me, Urd, hotcha
sexy Goddess of the Past, was well and truly
lost while trying to teleport through the TV system.
"Where the hell am I? WALES?! Sheesh..."
This was when she heard my
wish. I hadn't been chosen to make a wish,
and so I was spared for a while. But she made a note of it, and grinned
as she thought of the possible consequences. Then she was off again, off
through the complex network that is the TV system.
That night, I had a very
bizarre dream which started with me being in
Tenchi's place, for starters, then fighting a Ryouga lookalike outside
my local pub, using a weapon exactly like the one used by the First
Devil of Kimone that Jubei fights in 'Ninja Scroll'.
Hey, I SAID it was bizarre. It was a dream. Not my fault.
But throughout it, I heard laughter, and a discussion.
An' it went a little something
like this: (Cue breakdancing
"Seriously, Toltiir, that's what he said!"
"That must be a seriously
"I think we should give him his wish."
"What, and go against the Almighty?"
"No need to do that. There
are some times when we can act on our own.
He needs a girlfriend. And I am the goddess of love."
"Hey, let me take a part
in this mischief! I am the goddess of bizarre
"Aa, Takahashi-sama! I think
we can cause a little havoc in this life
if we do this carefully..."
I woke up then. I'm a Methodist,
and don't believe in more than one
Or rather, didn't.
That following morning was
a Saturday, and as it was a nice day, headed
up onto the mountain to practice my Martial arts. Kendo and Karate.
There was a nice standing stone up there.
Yes, I did say was.
While practicing my Kendo,
I tripped, to the accompaniment of a little
Maybe I should have yelled
'Bakusai Tenketsu!' instead, because I hit
the stone. It shattered. Well, it certainly would have been more
According to local legend,
there was a witch buried under that stone.
Sure enough, there was something under it. I didn't see any bones, but I
reckoned that they would have decayed by now. But there was a small
pouch there, and it contained five small, blue gems. Each about the size
of a medium marble.
My normal danger senses SHOULD
have been blaring like a geiger at
Chernobyl, but they weren't.
I pocketed them, even though
there was something nastily
familiar about them.
I thought I had pocketed
them. I dropped one, to the
accompaniment of more *glingleingleingle*.
I found out about that when I got home.
I opened the door, slowly,
and saw that something was wrong. Very
wrong. For a start, Noone else should have been in the house, and there
was a bath running. I pulled my bokken out, and crept upstairs.
I couldn't see anything.
Or anyone. But there was a little note stuck
to the bathroom mirror.
We couldn't help but grant your wish. Purely to see what happens
The Trinity of Chaos.
Takahashi, Urd, and Toltiir.
<What wish?> I thought.
And then thought back to last night. And a
certain comment while drunk.
Forewarned is forearmed.
"PERVERT!" A light sword
swished through a small area where I had just
I tried to parry with my bokken, but couldn't.
The stunning, cyan-haired,
red-eyed, and also nude, young woman bore
down on me. I wasn't paying much attention to any of these at the minute
as I was hoping like hell that that sword was not about to remove my
head or any other part of my anatomy...
End of part one.
The Laughter of the Gods, Goddamn Them
The young woman looked down at me with a gleam in her eye that I didn't
like at all. "You have five seconds to tell me what you're doing in this
house." Then she lowered her sword a little. "Hey! You're the guy who
let me out!"
"WHAT?!" And then I noticed the little blue gem between the points of
her collarbone. "You're that witch who was buried there..."
"WITCH!?! I'm no witch! I'm just a poor girl who got stuck here about
650 years ago."
Again, I was slightly surprised.
For a start, you never ask a lady her age.
And I wouldn't have put her a day over twenty.
About my age, in fact.
She looks just like Ryoko, too.
"Um.. I live here."
"What? But because of the
mess... the cold... you know... I
thought it was empty."
I nodded. "It's student accomodation.
Look, you're welcome to stay," I
said, mentally crossing my fingers, "But please move that sword!"
"What's your name?"
"Reioko." I shuddered.
"You're not any relation to a Ryoko, are you?"
"My cousin? Where? KILL!"
"STOP IT! I'll lose my bond!"
I said, leaping to get the shower
curtains out of the way of her sword, which had leapt into being again.
"A sort of good behaviour guarantee that I won't damage the house."
"Back to my cuz. Where is she? Near here?"
"Japan... the other side of the world. Don't ask me to explain this."
"I won't, not yet. Now...
I'm going to take this bath, and I
hope you will have some clothes that fit. Oh, and did you find some
jewels under the stone?"
"Yep. Here." I flipped her
two of the remaining five. Yet again, there
was that irritating *glingleingleingle* noise. This time it was coming
from the airing cupboard.
"That's it..." I growled
through clenched teeth as I threw the door
Inside was a very short man
who looked a lot like Hikaru
"EEK- A pervert!"
"Now, what are you doing in my house?"
"Erm- I'm P. DeVice, minor
deity of outrageous coincidence, and I've
been assigned to your household for a while. I make that irritating
*glingleingleingle* noise every time something happens- see?" He shook a
small bell. It went *glingleingleingle*.
Using a strength I didn't
know I had, I punched him through the wall.
"Now," she said, "THAT was impressive. How did you know I only needed
two more gems?"
"Call it instinct," I said.
"Just call it instinct."
Much later, Reioko had got
herself out of the bath, and I was
frantically trying to find a key for another room in the house. Hey, I'm
a gentleman. If the woman of my dreams turns up, I don't immediately
expect to be jumping into the sack with her. (So don't expect this to
become a Lemon.)
"So, what is there to do in a place like this?"
"Well, there's the pub,"
I said, flicking through the channels
on the TV. The news caught my eye.
"And tonight on BBC Wales:
The mysterious disappearance of the standing
stone of Heol-Y-Cawl."
Due to a lack of anything
else to do, Reioko and I headed to the nearby
pub. She wasn't overdressed for the occassion; she had her cousin's
dress sense. I didn't ask where she got the imense quantity of money she
was flashing around.
"Matthew! I see you found yourself a cheap tart."
"Just the person I didn't
want to meet," I muttered. Roger.
Attitude problem the size of Mount Fuji. Not the sort of person you want
to meet. And he was looking for a fight. I wasn't in the mood for one.
"Stow it, OK? I haven't the inclination to bandy words with you..." I
trailed off as I felt my hair starting to stand on end. Obviously,
Reioko has the same powers as her cousin.
Turning, I saw Reioko's eyes
beginning to glow yellow, and
sparks flyng all over the place. The locals at the Farmers can sense a
fight brewing, and normally scarper as soon as one starts, but for once
they didn't. This looked interesting. Alan, the landlord, gave me a
"How... dare... he... call...
me... that!" Reioko raised her
hand. I could see the beginnings of a glow starting in it, and grabbed
"Reioko, don't. This can only cause trouble."
"He's gotta pay for that!"
"Let me then." I turned back
to Roger. "You heard what the lady said.
I'm fighting for her. Outside. Now."
Roger laughed. I smiled an
Evil smile. Every time I had fought someone
before, I'd been holding back.
Five minutes later, I mused
that even going all out, I wasn't
that good at barehanded fighting. But I kept going. After all, the good
name of a lady was at stake.
Admittedly, there was blood
trickling into my eyes, and I was sure I
had a few broken ribs. But that didn't matter. I kept going.
"ENOUGH!" Reioko stormed
forwards. She pulled her arm back and
demolished Roger in one blow. It was a very impressive blow. It lifted
him clean off his feet, and laid him out.
"Matthew... you didn't have
to do that for me." Reioko was
looking straight into my eyes, and for a minute, I thought we were going
A cloud of dust, a moaning,
groaning noise, and a severe
downdraft interrupted. Reioko looked up, and pulled me up too, my arm
round her shoulders. I wasn't quite sure what I was seeing, but I
assumed, from the size of it, that a spacecraft of some sort was
"Great," muttered Reioko. "Just who we need now."
"Who is it?"
"My Mother." I nodded. That
would make sense. And that means that this
is Washuu's sister.
"Wonderful," I burbled, not
caring that there was blood
dribbling from my mouth. "I know you for a few hours, and then I meet
your mother. We'll probably be engaged by tomorrow."
Aparrently, that was the point that I passed out.
End of part two.
The Laughter of the Gods, Goddamn them.- Part 3
When you come to, you think a few things. With me it's generally "What
was I drinking last night/Did anyone spike anything I drank/Where the
hell am I/Oh my God who is this?"
Okay, I have never had to worry about the last one.
But this time, I ran through all these. Because I saw Reioko looking
straight down at my face.
Admittedly, this was a beautiful sight to wake up to first thing in
morning, but it's a first for me.
"Yep." I got up and stretched. And noticed the acute lack of pain. "What
happened to me?"
"Oh, broken ribs, potential loss of an eye, horrible damage to various
internal organs..." The woman in the corner rattled off a list of
injuries I wouldn't wish on anyone.
"How come I'm still alive?"
"Anything is easy for the greatest Genius in the Galaxy!"
"Washuu? I thought you had red hair?"
The black-haired woman rose up. "That's my sister!
"Anyhow, I fixed you up. I'm Katenu, younger sister to Washuu." She
almost spat the word out, as if it left a horrible taste in her mouth.
"Did you do a blood test on me?"
"Yeah. Everything's absolutely normal."
"Perfectly human. Why?"
"Damn." I had had a faint hope that I might have had a little Juraian
DNA in my system. But never mind. I suppose I might be able to get some
'upgrades' from Katenu. Here went nothing...
"Katenu, would you like to know where your sister is right now?"
"Sis? Where? KILL!"
I waited for the explosion I was sure was about to occur.
It didn't. This I found unusual, as an energy bolt had zipped over my
head. And then I heard it.
Looking round, I saw that Reioko had caught the energy blast her mother
had thrown. But I was more interested in the noise.
I pulled the diminunitive God of Outrageous Coincidence and Circumstance
out from behind the sofa,and kicked him into a corner.
"REIOKO! I have had enough of this twerp! Where did I put my Bokken?"
"Umm... I cut through it yesterday." I couldn't see her face, but she
"I'm going, I'm going!"
The little pest fell backward through the wall, as an outrageously
coincidental portal opened up behind him.
"You seem to have some supernatural problems round here," said Katenu.
"Let me furnish you with a new weapon that will smite the supernatural-
and be damn useful against any other threat you may name. Nothing's too
hard for the greatest genius in the universe."
I grinned. This was a moment I'd been waiting for. "Right then. I'll
have a pair of swotds, one about a meter in length, the other
approximately two-thirds of a meter. Both with energy blades, and an
intimidating firey effect."
"An energy Daisho, in other words."
"Wow. They actually exist?" I tried to ignore the noise. Reioko thumped
"Yep. Or they will, once I finish setting up the apparatus!"
Twenty minutes later, I had the two rather incredible weapons in my
hands. They hummed like lightsabers.
"Perfect!" Now to have a little fun. "Your sister is in Japan."
"Which planet is that on?"
"Show me." A holographic representation of the world popped into being
in front of me, and I pointed to the islands.
"Is my cousin there as well?"
Mother and daughter looked at each other. I didn't like their
"What are you going to do?"
Reioko turned to look at me with a nasty grin on her face. "Why, my
Matthew, we're going to pay them a visit. And settle our differences
once and for all. Now put on your combat gear, if you have any, and come
I thought about my Gi and hakama, and decided not to take them.
As I was dragged into a subspace gateway to Katenu's ship, I realised
that yet again I could hear laughter.
The laughter of three deities with perverse senses of Humour.
End of part three.
The Laughter of the Gods, Goddamn them -Part 4
This was not going to be good.
Due to a case of bad judgement,
Washu's sister was about to
descend on the Masaki household with her daughter in an apocalyptic wave
of fusion-lances, FAE's, and anti-personnel flechette rounds.
Nothing like sisterly love,
"Come on, Katenu. Surely this will be a lot better if you deal
with them in person?"
Katenu thought for a minute. "Yeah..."
"And you're liable to get
every interceptor the JSDF has flying
after you. You may be good, but I don't think you can stop them from
shooting this vessel down."
"True. Let us confront them in person."
<Thank god for that!>
I thought, as she turned off her weapons
I turned my walkman
on, and settled down to listen to
"Demanufacture" again. Reioko drifted over, sinuously. She had changed
into something that suited her better than the black tracksuit and
trainers that she had borrowed from me. And it was definitely designed
for her. I think.
Come on, the green
and red ensemble she was wearing didn't
leave a lot to the imagination, even though she was completely covered
from neck to ankle in this outfit.
"Why are you and Ryoko so bitter?"
Reioko sat beside me, and snaked an arm over my chest.
"She went with Kagato
and destroyed a large portion of Jurai."
I nodded, as if not understanding at all, even though I did, as I had
heard all this previously in the OAV's.
"What does that have to do with you?"
"I was _on_ Jurai at
the time! I hid deep in the crust of the
planet! That's the only reason I survived! And she _knew_ I was there
and still razed the surface where I had been! After I got out, I decided
that I had to make her pay. Not for Jurai, but because I was the only
person who really could stop her on her own terms. Because she had shown
no consideration for me." Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Katenu
"And what do you have against Washuu? Your own sister?"
"Building an android
was my idea. But that _bitch_ decided that
she would have a go first. From _My_ designs!" Katenu was positively
livid with anger. Energy was crawling over her fists. "It took me twenty
years to find out where she'd put the designs, and then I had to go over
them, repeat the designs for those parts covered in coffee rings, the
charred bits..." Katenu leant over, her eyes as slits. "I was the
younger sister. I was the one that always got ignored. I was the one
that got left out. I _never_ was allowed the education she got. I had to
work my way through the quantum mechanics books with a thesaurus,
dictionary and calculator! _I_ am the one who deserves the credit!" With
that she stormed off, a furious expression on her face.
Reioko looked staraight
at me, shuddering. "I've not seen her
that mad since I was born. It scared me..." Reioko huddled in closer.
She was moving _much_ closer than I was used to. Our lips were about to
"Strap yourselves in
kiddies! We're justabout there. Landing in
Cursing my luck, I
strapped myself in, as did Reioko. Both of
us were prepared for the terrible landing that was likely, seeing the
mood Katenu was in.
Ears still ringing from the aftershocks of the landing, I saw
exactly where we were. "Look, I don't want to get involved in this
little family feud. I'm going to find a nice bit of shelter..." Katenu
and Reioko were in no state to listen. Katenu was surrounded by a heat
haze, and Reioko was weilding a _huge_ pair of energy blades. I ran for
I knocked on the door,
and, somewhat unsurprisingly, Yosho
answered. I had purloined a universal translator headset
from Katenu's ship, and was trying to fit it on my head without
read the manual. As Yosho's first words came out, I realised it still
needed some work.
"I beg your pardon?!"
The explosion threw
us to the ground, and shook the house. The
first thing I realised was that the explosion must have sorted something
out in the headset, as I could now undestand that Yosho was asking me if
I was alright.
"Excuse me one minute,
sir. Come here, you..." I plunged a hand
into a bin, and, yet again, pulled out P. DeVice.
"Right, you little
pain in the neck, I am now going to throw
you outside. There is probably a few dozen energy bolts flying around-"
Another crushing explosion rattled the windows- "And it would be a
wonderful coincidence if you were to catch one of them. OUT!"
"Now, young man," said Yosho, "What are you doing here?"
"Where is Tenchi?"
"What do you want with him?"
"I think he's the only
one who can sort out this mess. Washuu's
sister and Ryoko's cousin have turned up, and are extremely pissed over
a few things that happened several millennia ago."
"I see." This voice
came from the stairs, and I looked round to
see Tenchi standing there, Tenchi-ken in his hand. "And I suppose you
have some sort of bone to pick with me."
"NO! I just need a
little backup to stop these crazy bitches
flattening this area!"
"Let us go then." Tenchi-ken
flared into life. I drew my
"Just one thing."
"Don't hurt Reioko."
With that, we charged
out of the door, heading to the source of
the chaos that was continuing, swords brandished.
--------End Part 4--------
The Laughter of the Gods, Goddamn Them
Tenchi and I left the house
cautiously. The magnitude of the
explosions was worse than anything we'd felt prevoiously, and were
likely to get worse. "Can you see them?"
I shook my head. "No.
Just follow the explosions." With that, I
saw Ryo-Ohki take to the air. A hail of energy bolts flew from the
starship, which was yowling in an extremely pissed-off manner. "Tenchi?"
"What do you do when Aeka and Ryoko fight?"
"Run for cover."
"I don't think that
there's going to be much cover left soon.
We've got to stop them."
Tenchi and I sprinted
on to the centre of the explosions,
swords drawn. It was a terrible sight. Katenu and Washu were locked in
an appalling fight in two battlesuits; They were throwing energy weapons
and missiles at each other as if there was no tomorrow.
From the way they were going, I didn't think there would be.
"Still with you."
"I think that
those great thick cables on the back are the
main power conduits. You take the one on the left, and I'll take the one
on the right."
We ran forwards,
and leapt up. The blades passed through the
cabl;es, and trhe suits gradually powered down. There was a faint
*glingleingle* from a bush, which broke off into a scream as a stray
missile locked onto P.DeVice.
"Right! Both of you! Out!"
A very annoyed
looking Katenu and Washuu climbed out of the
cockpits of their battlemechs.
"HEY! We were just sorting out an old argument!"
"Can't you do that without destroying the landscape?"
is all she understands!" This was from Washuu.
I never realised quite how angry she could get. Katenu was less
"You die NOW!"
Katenu was having a very good attempt at
throttling her sister. Tenchi and I just managed to stop her.
happened? She claims you stole the original
designs for Ryoko/ Reioko/ androids."
a bit embarassed. "Well, I had the original
idea, but then she drew up some designs. I asked to borrow them, and
then she ... had to go away for a while."
"You organised that!"
A faint blue beam suddenly knocked Katenu out.
"That's better. You may not have noticed, but Katenu is a few protons
short of a hydrogen nucleus. She had a nervous breakdown whn she was
young, and had to be... committed. It was a great shame- and she's never
really completely recovered. She's had every treatment that they can
devise. She can be extremely violent."
I told her about Katenu's intended arrival. "I
wonder- could Tsunami heal her?"
it's worth a try. Now. That Daughter of mine.
Time to deal with her trouble..."
pair of bodies in shredded clothing, both with cyan hair,
flew between us, frantically fencing.
Ryo-ohki hopped up, looking as confused as was
possible for a cabbit.
"It's all right, Ryo-ohki," Said Tenchi."We'll stop them."
"I'm buggered if I know how, but we'll stop them."
End part 5
The Laughter of the Gods, Goddamn Them.
and I ran after the frantically fencing femmes
fatale. It was getting interesting, really; Both girls had failed to
score damage on the other, but both were losing clothes.
There were only two problems with this at the minute.
would be getting a nosebleed soon, and I would end up
with trouble walking.
were a lot of cabbit giggles from my head, as Ryo-Ohki
had decided to hitch a lift. This was distracting as her ears kept
falling over my eyes.
you ever tried to run with two horrifically sharp
objects through a forest with something covering your eyes?
My point exactly.
was about now that I realised that the girls had stopped
fact, they were too knackered to keep fighting. This was
good news for us, as it meant that we didn't have to worry about blades
or similar coming our way. Ryo-Ohki took this point to hop off my head
(a weight off my mind) and try to decide which of the near-naked girls
Tenchi was facing the other way.
Ryoko, why did you have a go at razing Jurai?" I knew
the answer full well, but Reioko would have to hear it herself from
Gods... Kagato." And she launched into how Kagato had
enslaved her and used her... I switched off for a bit.
Ryoko had finished, Reioko was looking at us. "Is that
Said Tenchi, still facing away. "We had to clear that
mess up. That was not a picnic by any description."
set full seduction mode. "Ohhh, Tenchi? I think I hurt
myself getting this girl off me..." She slowly advanced on him, trying
to do what she had so frequently failed to do.
left Tenchi to it, while Reioko and I set off to the
house, and set off a few personal fireworks of our own.
you've found someone else to love, you
seven-hundred-year old mummy."
gave the purple-haired princess a blank look, that
slowly turned to fury.
"Do... I... Know... YOU?"
I put a hand on Reioko's shoulder. "Down, girl. She thinks
"THINK? I know she is... oh." Aeka's eyes went wide as
Ryoko emerged from the undergrowth behind us. Closely followed by
Tenchi. "AAAAA! Two Ryokos! I can't... cope... aaaahhhhhhh." She
fainted. Very, very, finally. There was no real chance of her coming out
of that anytime soon.
Sasami had cooked an incredible feast. In the intrests of
diplomacy, Tenchi sat between myself and Reioko. This caused the other
girls at the table to fume- particularly Ryoko and Aeka- but aside from
that, we got on fine. The only problem was Washu and Katenu.
The meal was truly incredible. I had never eaten authentic
Japanese cuisine before, but I had attempted Okonomiyaki in the past. I
did a reasonable job as well, if I can boast. During the meal, Yosho and
I discussed Kendo, I picked up tips on haircare from the girls, Ryo-Ohki
turned up in the oddest of places- I learned to understand her!-
Nobuyuki drooled at Reioko, and Tenchi and I discovered a common topic
"There is no way the platemail of European Knights could
have held up against a katana!"
"And I say that a Samurai would have been a disaster at a
"Bushido outranks Chivalry as a way of life!"
We stopped and looked round at the rest of the table.
There was silence. "Ummm... Gomen," we chorused.
"I have an idea," said Yosho. "Each of you decide what
scheme to live your life by, for a week. And at the end, we shall see
who is happiest. Who has done best. Is it agreed?"
Tenchi and I looked at each other.
"Done." Another chorus.
"Right. I'll take chivalry."
"I'll take bushido." This was Tenchi's last comment of
the day. We finished the meal, and I wondered what I'd let myself in
End part 6.
The Laughter of the Gods, Goddamn Them
My unorthodox (read: irresponsible and stupid) challenge with Tenchi
lasted about three hours.
"Tenchi, I will _NOT_ sit back and watch you treat Aeka like that!"
Tenchi had never stuck so closely to classical Bushido in his life.
this led to some minor mistreatment of one or two of the women.
I did the only thing I could in the circumstances.
I wear a large leather jacket, with a pair of gloves to match. Big,
"I have no option but to challenge you to a duel, and may it have the
effect it requires."
Tenchi was still reeling from the blows to the face. "Wh... What?"
"A duel! Name your weapon!"
"Agreed. Four o' clock?"
The disturbance had attracted a few other people. Namely the rest of
And at least four of the people there were not happy about what had
"Matthew! He'll slaughter you!"
"How DARE you strike Tenchi-sama!"
"You'd hurt dear Tenchi?!"
"WAAH! Tenchi-niichan's going to fight again!"
Fortunately, Yosho (Thankfully!) stepped in.
"Now, now, girls, This is a gentleman's agreement. Both of them are
trying to prove a point. I didn't expect this to happen quite so soon,
but one way or the other, it will all work out."
At four o' clock, Tenchi, in Juraian dress, faced me, in Gi and Hakama,
across the yard outside the house. Yosho stood between us.
"Now. Please don't kill each other."
And so we began.
We slowly circled each other, bokken almost touching, staring into each
And then all hell broke loose.
Tenchi came at me with a straightforward Shomen Uchi, which I
sidestepped, swinging the bokken at the base of his ribcage, which he
parried easily. A quick riposte from him- a viciously angled Naname
Giri- was dodged as I launched into a kiriage...
...and then it becomes a blur. Apparently, we were fighting for about
fourty minutes, barely landing blows on each other. I do remember the
end of the fight, though.
The haze cleared from both of our eyes to see that if we had continued
in our fight at that point we would have probably killed each other.
Wooden or not, a bokken can cause a lot of damage to a person's throat.
And we'd have done that to each other, if a certain cute blue-haired
princess hadn't intervened.
"You two! We're sick of watching you prove which is more macho! One
you two-" Here Sasami used a Juraian expletive, which my headset
couldn't translate, but Yosho blushed, and Aeka gasped and covered her
mouth- "is going to get seriously hurt! STOP IT RIGHT NOW!"
Neither Tenchi nor I could meet her gaze or each others. We lowered
swords, and shook hands. And called off the agreement.
"I agree totally with Sasami." This was Yosho. "I was waiting to see
long it would be before two Egos collided."
"Can you tell me what that word Sasami used means?"
"Ah... Um... You see, it refers to...."
After a few minutes of Yosho's explanation _sotto voce_, I was feeling a
"You mean... with a cactus? And three rubber bands?"
"Not so loud!... but yes."
"And this really happens?!"
"Well... not officially, if you know what I mean..."
I shook my head. I had thought there were some weird sexual practices on
Earth, but we were miles behind the Juraians.
There was a mixture of excitement and exasperation from the hall.
Looking, Mihoshi and Washu were coming towards us... both looking like
they had news. And probably the same piece, from their actions.
Washu spoke first. "A massive starship has entered the system."
My eyes bugged out. "Massive?"
"Oooh, isn't it exciting! Kiyone and I have been asked to investigate
it! Wai!" I began to see what so many people found problematic with
"What Little Miss Bubbly here has neglected to say is that the ship
warship, heading this way. And I've never seen a configuration like it.
But it does remind me a bit of the Juraian ships."
I sighed. I could see exactly where this was leading.
"When do we leave?"
So, a couple of hours later, on board the _Vindictive Tweezers_ (_Don't_
ask me... That was the name of Katenu's ship...), we were closing on the
It was massive.
"No life signs...*giggle*... minimum power status... Safe to enter!"
I flicked on a com. I didn't trust Katenu that much. "Do you agree?"
Washuu appeared on another screen. "Yep!"
Kiyone on another. "I would, but this ditz spilt coffee on the scanner
"Let's board the thing then."
On board the unnamed hulk, it was everything that we feared.
And no way out of the docking bay.
"Hah! A least nothing can really go wrong," I said, while leaning
against a panel.
Something didn't seem right.
That was a sound that I hated, now. I looked round quickly for some
of indication of the approaching disaster. And saw that everyone else
was looking at the wall I'd been leaning against.
I turned to see a set of words I never thought I'd see.
I couldn't read them, but Ayeka did.
"New palmprint/DNA accepted... Reinitialising engines... unlocking ship
hatches... what elseOH MY GOOOOOD!"
"What does it say?"
End part 7
WARNING: Gratuitous plug ahead! Horrific revelation about Jurai!
The Laughter of the Gods, Goddamn Them.
I stared up at the incomprehensible script on the screen in front of
while Aeka and the others stared at me. They were all gobsmacked, for
want of a better word.
Luck seems to occasionally be on my side.
But now I had had too much, and started giggling. Then laughing.
Within about thirty seconds, I was doubled up on the floor, laughing
"Oh, this is good," I spluttered. "First I get a girlfriend who's old
enough to be my great-to-the-power-of-thirty-two-grandmother, then I
meet her mother who was near-psychotic, then I get told off by an
eight-year-old, and now..." I wheezed for breath- "...NOW I inherit an
ancient interstellar battlecruiser! Can things get any weirder?!"
Tenchi was muttering to Yosho.
"Maybe. He's just a little overwhelmed."
I managed to recover most of my composure. And then something that had
been nagging me clicked.
"One ring to rule them all, One ring to find them,
"One ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them."
Everyone was giving me some very odd looks.
"Lord of the Rings?"
"Yep. Doesn't Juraian script look a lot like the Elven script?"
"Yeah... Yeah, it does!"
Now we were both being given odd looks.
"What _are_ you two on about?"
"Mihoshi, have there been any Juraians lost in Britain?"
"No-o... But I can check for you! It'll only take a minute!"
Mihoshi had obviously found out about one of my vices.
Lucozade (TM) Dextrose Energy Tablets.
Three packets at once puts your body into overdrive.
Take with six Pro-Plus and a can of Red Bull for superhuman activity.
Or to behave something like Amelia from Slayers!
(Who the hell wants to be like that?!)
Anyhow, I went through a door that was opening in front of me, purely
see what I had inherited.
In front of me was a large open space.
With a tree in the centre.
Not quite a tree.
It had large cybernetic attatchments.
Then a holographic banner unfurled on the wall.
This was Aeka again.
"What is it?"
"We're on a ship that belonged to the False Emperor Khaimein!"
Yosho looked a little queasy.
Sasami was very, very nervous.
"What's wrong with that?"
"This ship will scan our genes. And find that we're Juraian Royalty.
Upon which we will be killed . In the Traditional Manner for traitors on
"You would know it as hanging, drawing and quartering."
"Hold it." I raised a hand. This was not that good. I had known that
ship like this would have to have some flaw. Nothing EVER goes smoothly
in my life. "First, I seem to be the new Master of the Ship, so I ought
to be able to prevent that. Secondly, explain what happened with the
False Emperor, because you all look somewhat edgy about being on this
Yosho sighed and sat down. "The False Emperor lived about three thousand
of your years ago. He was part of the Cybernetic Tendency, which
explains the interior."
"I take it Juraians don't approve of cybernetics."
"No.In a huge and bloody civil war, on land and space, his forces were
defeated, and the cybernetic tendency was purged from Jurai."
Washu frowned at this. "Why haven't we seen anything of this Tendency
you kicked them off the planet?"
"Who said anything about Exile? We executed them all. All thirty
"WHAT?" This came from Washu, myself, Kiyone, Mihoshi, Ryoko, Reioko,
Tenchi, and Katenu.
Sasami chirped up."It was a glorious time in our history! Man, woman
child, slain as traitors."
Everyone else was drawing back, horrified. "THIRTY MILLION PEOPLE HUNG
DRAWN AND QUARTERED!?"
"It was a triumph of our race! We purged the undesirable elements from
our society with fire and sword in six glorious months. "
"Why ... how... how did you keep it quiet?"
"We didn't. We didn't announce it to the galaxy, but it is recorded
every one of our history books, and we have a Festival of Purity every
Tenchi turned to Aeka. "Please tell me you don't believe this crap
"CRAP? This was a glorious period in our history..."
Tenchi had just done the unthinkable.
"Aeka... I've made my decision. If I'm going to marry either of you,
it's going to be Ryoko."
"Why... why her?"
"Because she isn't some racist bitch! You're _pleased_ that your
ancestors- MY ancestors- slaughtered THIRTY MILLION PEOPLE!" He turned
to Kiyone. "Can the Juraians be tried for genocide?"
She nodded, shakily.
Aeka was shaking in shock on the ground. "It... It was necessary...
the genetic purity of the Race..."
"Right." I couldn't believe what I'd heard, either. "Washu? Can
give me a hand sorting out the controls?"
After a while, I found that I could keep the ship in good order. And
there were a selection of rooms. I gave Yosho, Aeka and Sasami a family
suite, which surprised me, considering that this was a warship.
The others found themselves quarters on other decks.
Reioko and I got the Captain's quarters.
"Now THAT looks good on you!"
I had found a large collection of traditional Juraian dress.
Whoever had owned this before had a similar tast in clothes as me.
I had found a black-and-green suit among the assorted clothing.
I sighed. "Hello, Mihoshi."
"I found out! A Juraian ship crashed in England about three hundred
years ago. The pilot was called Tolkien..."
"Thanks a lot."
Now I had everything I wanted.
The Proof that Tolkien was a Juraian.
After that, the world made sense.
End Part Eight.